I envy people who still have their parents — the one thing truly worth having that lots of us no longer have

Ciara Kelly

"Mother’s Day becomes complex for all of us eventually, because none of us have our mums forever."

March 18 2023 02:00 PM

Happy Mother’s Day. I don’t subscribe to the notion that we shouldn’t celebrate it, even though I know it’s a difficult day for some. Truth is, whatever is making today hard for some people won’t be materially changed by other people marking the occasion. And Mother’s Day becomes complex for all of us eventually, because none of us have our mums forever.

Mine is gone almost six years, although she was slipping away for a long time before that. It started out with little things. She’d jumble up words oddly, but if you knew her well you’d still get the gist of what she was saying.

She’d ring in the middle of the night to ask the time.

“Four-thirty, Mum.”

“Four-thirty in the day or in the night?” she’d say conversationally.

She began to call people she knew well the wrong names. A lot of people became ‘Vincent’ for reasons best known to herself.

But she had such an infectious sense of humour that a lot of the time we’d end up laughing about these foibles. It was only over time that it became serious. Recurrent falls; once ending up freezing on the floor overnight, her head two inches from a stone hearth. Finally reality bit — she could no longer live alone, not even with support.

She rallied in the nursing home initially. She liked the company. Two old men would stand and salute as she sang rebel songs in the afternoons. She had a charisma that she never lost, my mother. But little by little, she crept away.

I still remember the shock that first time she didn’t know my name.

“It’s Ciara, Mum.”

“Oh, have you seen Ciara?”

“I’m Ciara.”

Incomprehension on both our parts. She couldn’t quite remember where she knew that name from. I couldn’t quite believe that she didn’t know me.

Eventually, she had no idea who I was, she just referred to me as the girl with kind eyes. In my darker moments, I wondered if there any point in me even visiting her. The truth is dementia leaves you feeling cheated. They are there, but not there. Your side of the relationship still exists — the love, the concern. In my experience, their side largely evaporates.

And it’s such a big love, isn’t it? I can still remember back in a dream-like way to a time when I was shorter than a kitchen worktop and Mum was my whole world. That changes, of course, over time, but apparently, when they are dying, it’s still their mum soldiers mostly cry out for.

I’m not a jealous person; I rarely covet anyone else’s lot, but the only people I ever really envy are those who still have their parents. The one thing truly worth having that lots of us no longer have.

The flip side of motherhood is that I am a mother. I can say without a doubt that my four kids are my favourite people on the planet. I love them with a fierceness I bring to nothing else. I see greatness in them. Kindness. Potential. Not only would I step in front of a train for them, I’m pretty sure I’d do a serious injury to anyone who tried to harm them. They know this. I like to think it makes them feel safe. It probably just makes them think their mother is mad.

Mothering is complex, intense, challenging, joyful, frustrating and deeply rewarding, whatever your relationship is to your mum or to motherhood itself. We should celebrate the bond — there is little like it.

A second opinion

I can’t tell if it’s me or if it’s television that has changed, but we’ve gotten closer! I haven’t watched TV in any meaningful way since my teens, really. I’m one of those people who is generally a doer, so hours spent watching TV has always seemed a bit like a waste.

I normally got around to ‘must-watch TV’ about four years after everyone else. The Wire, The Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad — these were distant memories for most when I was blithely saying, “Don’t worry, no spoilers!” to people, as I droned on about them.

But I’ve gotten into it! Stranger Things. Succession. The Last of Us. The White Lotus — especially The White Lotus. I’m all over them, at much the same time as everyone else. I’ve joined the community of TV streamers. I really don’t know what took me so long.

And staying on the theme of the powerful maternal bond, I’ve made my kids swear that, when I die, they will reenact the Jennifer Coolidge scene from The White Lotus in which she scatters her mother’s ashes. They are to go to Dún Laoghaire and embroil random strangers in the event. I think it’ll make dying almost worthwhile.