Saturday 20 January 2018

Helen Moorhouse: Christmas shopping? It's not like managing the royal wedding or running an election campaign

Oh get that Barry over there, he's hilarious. He didn't do his Christmas shopping until last thing Christmas Eve and sure all the shops were shut except for the petrol station down the road so do you know what did? He gave his Dad some anti-freeze, and his Mam one of those ice scrapers and his little sister got an air freshener in the shape of a pine tree, and.....

No he didn't. He saw that in Friends about fifteen years ago, thought it was funny and decided to use it. It's not enough that millions of people worldwide saw Joey do it, Barry or Dave or Mick or whoever the 'gas' guy down the local is this year has to pretend that he did it too. Like the radio DJ who pretends that he played a request for someone who was 111 (when they were, in fact, ill! Guffaw!) or the person who maintains that they definitely know the girl who killed her in-laws chihuahua by -gasp, sitting on it! (Cripes!) this story is not true so don't fall for it, don't encourage the person telling it by laughing and if possible, give them a clip round the ear.

If everyone in the whole world is as disorganised as they maintain they are in the run up to Christmas, then answer me this – how the hell does it happen every year? It's not like managing the royal wedding or running an election campaign. You can't forget or fail to notice that it's about to happen. There are very few things that are required of one at this time of year – mainly getting drunk, eating a lot and buying some semi-nice things for other people in the hopes that you will get nice things in return.

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