The Man Who Knows Everything – or TMWKE – says his wife is the woman who was never wrong.
The marriage was doomed. How could a man who knows everything and a woman who is never wrong live under the same roof? Get a dog for breaks-from-each-other walks? But they had a dog.
One of the major grounds for the break-up was in fact the dog. The wife didn’t like dogs and the marital dog in particular.
We will not name the breed of dog here due to GDPR. He is a big hairy dog, but harmless as a hippie or a yak. Lovable he was, but needy and expensive.
“It would be cheaper to keep an elephant,” said the former Mrs TMWKE. This week a cash-strapped Dublin Zoo estimated an elephant eats about €70-worth of food a day.
TMKE was devoted to the marital dog. Mrs TMWKE swore an affidavit to the effect she overheard her ex say: “Me and you have a lot in common. We are both kept on a collar and lead.”
Mrs TMWKE, as she then was, did not hold back.
“There are three of us in this marriage," she said, but then when the divorce started Mrs TMWKE demanded the marital dog.
The two argued bitterly as to who was right and who was wrong, even when they were both wrong.
The Pope was the cause of one such bust-up.
Mrs TMWKE was a devout follower of Pope Francis and she was very upset when her then husband challenged the pope to an infallibility duel.
Mrs TMWKE felt her then spouse was being disrespectful when he asked the Pope to name the winner of the Irish Grand National on Easter Monday. The pope did not reply.
TMWKE trash-talked his Holiness: “You can run, Pope Francis, but you can’t hide.” His wife said the Pope was worn out after Urbi et Orbi.
Mrs TMWKE that was has told her former husband, via her lawyers ,she now wants the dog to be divided.
TMWKE says her proposal might work if they had an earthworm for a pet but a dog .. . I think what Mrs TMWKE meant was the dog would be sold and the proceeds divided.
This may have been a tactical move by Mrs TMWKE. She plans to put as high a value on the marital dog as possible. TMWKE will not allow the marital mutt to be sold.
Her dog valuer will put a higher price on the marital dog than TMWKE’s dog valuer. That’s how it works. Right now the dog sales business is a buyer’s market.
I am pretty sure Mrs TMWKE’s change of approach may have come from reports about the increase in the price of dogs. A consignment of intercepted stolen dogs was valued at €200,000.
There are farmers out in the cold and wet of darkest November slaving away in the paddy fields, with the muck and puddle coming in over the tops of their wellingtons. An in-calf hungry heifer devours more hay than a small elephant.
Dogs are worth more than cattle right now. Some of the little curly-haired dogs wouldn’t eat so much as would fill a saucer.
I just checked, and a two-year-old Pointer is on offer for €2,000. You can buy a black Labrador pup for €1,500.
Frankie, the six-week-old French bulldog, will knock you back €1,895. Maybe they might throw the fiver off for luck. I wonder does Frankie bark in French? A bilingual dog and he’s only a pup. No wonder Frankie is so expensive. Lol, as they say in text.
TMWKE was lonesome after his wife. He sent a text to Mrs TMWKE and it read: “I still love you.” The reply was LoL. Poor TMWKE.
To be fair to the sellers, Frankie has been vaccinated, wormed, micro-chipped, the lot. And neutered. Poor Frankie.
No disrespect to Frankie, but I wouldn’t take a present of a bulldog.
Sometimes I see the grown-up big dogs trying to pull their owners’ arms out their sockets. People who own challenging breeds have arms longer than trapeze catchers. It seems to me the dog is taking the owner for the walk.
I was trying to figure out why it was people are buying up dogs for huge prices right now. Is it a health issue? The dog people have to get up off the sofa to walk the dog. I wouldn’t like to try to explain to a pit bull terrier why it is he cannot go for walkies.
Could it be the dog is a passport to freedom? Couples who love each other may not like each other very much at the moment. Too much time together. “Why don’t you take the dog out for a walk?” Or, “I might take the dog out for a walk.”
I meet a border collie when I’m out for my walk. I love border collies, although I don’t have any sheep other than the ones I count at night to get to sleep. The only people who count more sheep than publicans right now are shepherds.
We had a papillon. Her name was Cara. She was well named. Cara is the Irish for friend. She died about 10 years ago. The little French dog with the floppy ears and the human eyes was a great little character.
A well-bred papi could set you back as much as three grand.
“Worth it all,” said TMWKE. “What price a bit of peace and quiet?”
We were on Zoom. I had a good view of up under his nostrils. Zoom shines an unforgiving light in dark cavities. How is it men have no bother growing hair out their ears and up their nostrils when they lose so much off their heads? Ironic, isn’t it?
“So what do you think of my idea?” he asks.
“Which one?” asks I back.
TMWKE has so many. More even than the two Leos, da Vinci and Varadkar. On he went, TMWKE at length, and longer than that but here’s a summary.
“I was thinking of asking herself to come back and we could start a little puppy breeding business. Just four or five at a time, and they would be cared for better than ourselves.”
It was time to tell him. I explained the true meaning of Lol and tactfully suggested he should purchase an eye, ear and nose-air trimmer.
“No bother,” said TMWKE. “I have one of them for the marital dog.
"Are you sure about that oul LOL? It has to be Lots Of Love. Has to be. No doubt about it.”
Said The Man Who Knows Everything, categorically.