Discovering I have ADHD makes so much sense to me now – but I’m one of the lucky ones

Louise McSharry

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March 25 2023 02:30 AM

Some time last year, the TikTok algorithm started to serve me up videos about ADHD. People self-deprecatingly described the way their ADHD manifested, and chatted about behaviours linked to the condition.

Initially, I scoffed. Classic TikTok, I thought, everyone has a diagnosis. None of the behaviours being described seemed unusual to me. ‘Sure everyone does that!’ I’d exclaim as I swiped on to the next video. As time went on though, and I watched more and more, I began to consider the possibility that maybe “everyone” didn’t behave in the ways being described. Thus, I did what every millennial with a potential health concern does: I took to Google.

My initial search did nothing to dissuade the quiet voice in my head saying “could you have ADHD?” As TikTok had suggested, the internet confirmed that ADHD frequently manifests differently in adult women than it does in children.

Psychiatry UK lists the following symptoms: struggling to relax and unwind as your mind is on the go, being a high achiever but feeling frustrated that you have not met your full potential, struggling to move forward with your goals, starting projects with enthusiasm but struggling to finish them, difficulty managing bills. Tick, I thought. Tick, tick, tick, tick. When I got to the very specific description of supermarket trips being difficult due to finding the shops overwhelming, I was ready to diagnose myself.

Of course, you can’t diagnose yourself, although a friend’s doctor said to her “if you think you have it you might as well operate as if you do”. She said this in the context of the public waiting lists, which are more in the region of years than months. In order to be diagnosed with ADHD you need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, although only a psychiatrist can prescribe you with medication.

With public psychological services in Ireland appearing to be at an almost permanent level of crisis these days, it’s no surprise that private services are popping up across the country to facilitate the growing number of adults questioning their neuro-status as we learn more about what is a frequently misunderstood condition.

I managed to get an appointment with one such service three months after I initially enquired, which was good in comparison to the waiting time suggested by some services I contacted (some weren’t taking enquiries at all, such was the fullness of their books).

My first appointment at the end of January was with a GP, who interviewed me at length regarding my behaviour and interactions with the world, with a focus on childhood. She felt I fit the diagnostic criteria, and referred me on to my second appointment with a psychiatrist.

“How do you feel?” she said. I didn’t really know how to answer. I couldn’t help but think that an ADHD diagnosis was a very convenient way for me to explain away some of my least favourite things about myself. The way I let friends down when it came to keeping in touch. My eternal struggle with keeping my home tidy. The hundreds of unanswered e-mails in my account. The way it was never a question of knowing what to do, but always a failure to actually do it. My distinct failure when it came to following through on all my “great ideas”. These were my failings. I didn’t feel I deserved to be handed an actual explanation for them.

When a psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis at my next appointment I still felt like an imposter. Despite having identified with so many of the behaviours associated with ADHD in adult women, I now felt I had somehow pulled the wool over these experts’ eyes. Nonetheless, I was happy to be given a prescription. This would be the real decider, I thought. The medication I was prescribed is a stimulant which improves the way parts of the ADHD brain communicate with each other.

For people with ADHD, this should improve the symptoms of inattentiveness and impulsivity and result in better focus and an increased sense of calm. For people without ADHD, it has the opposite effect, and can increase hyperactivity and overstimulation. When I took the medicine, I would know for sure. That’s how I came to truly believe I have ADHD.

I’m still early in the medication process, and I wouldn’t call the starting dose’s impact life-changing, but it has taken the edge off. Prior to being diagnosed, the primary and most consistent struggle I had was with my brain feeling like it was at capacity at all times. I had so many thoughts going in so many directions I constantly felt overwhelmed, and it took very little to tip me over the edge. Now, I feel a little further from the edge. Also, I’m working toward forgiving myself for a lifetime’s worth of “failings”.

I feel incredibly lucky to have received a diagnosis in less than six months, but also deeply frustrated that the reason I was able to do that is because I could manage to pay more than a €1,000 to a private service.

A diagnosis of a condition like ADHD is life-changing. Aside from medication, it can lead to a much deeper level of self-compassion and understanding and therefore significantly increased levels of self-esteem. You shouldn’t be able to put a price on that, but that’s exactly what we’re doing.