Brendan O'Connor: 'Those Brexit panic plans in full'
Not to spoil Christmas or anything, but today, in an exclusive scoop, the Sunday Independent has got its hands on the real secret hard Brexit file the Government didn't want you to see, because it knew it would lead to widespread panic and looting.
The document does not include any plans for what to do in the event of a hard Brexit, because the Taoiseach says that if we were to prepare for a hard Brexit, then it might happen. Whereas apparently if we don't prepare for it, it will not happen. He also believes that if he closes his eyes really tight while also covering his face fully with his hands, you can't see him.
The files do reveal that one major outcome of Britain crashing out of the EU would be that we would no longer be allowed to use their language. Therefore Ireland would have to revert to our first national language, Irish. If this happens, it is believed that it could lead to deep political stability, which could see Daithi and Maura seize power in a gaeilgeoir coup. Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh would be made president and it is thought that Bosco would become Finance Minister.
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Another major concern in the event of a hard Brexit is a shortage of Mars bars. According to the shock files, senior civil servants say: "Our research is telling us that a shortage of Mars bars could compromise people's ability not only to work, but also to rest and play. There will also be a shortage of Mr Kipling's cakes, but while they are exceedingly good, it won't be a major problem. Mr Kipling has become a controversial figure in recent years, more for his views on imperialism rather than his confectionery."
A junior civil servant asked at this point if that wasn't a different Kipling and he was relieved of his duties for questioning a superior, and is at home on full pay plus time and a half for weekends.
The secret files also express concern about the impact on tourism, especially in Temple Bar, saying, "People come to Temple Bar to observe English stag parties in their natural habitat, getting drunk and doing hilarious jokey versions of Riverdance with plastic breasts strapped onto the T-shirts they had printed for the weekend. At the very least, tourists expect to see a large Geordie lad called Tiny show off his bare arse." In the event of a hard Brexit, it seems tourism bosses will pay lads from the midlands to pretend to be British and fall around drunk showing off their arses.
The most disturbing part of the top secret document was about what would happen in the event that we went to war with the UK. While there had been a plan to beef up the Irish armed forces, it was amended in the last few days. Now the plan is just to buy one drone and fly it at them.