Thursday 5 December 2019

Brendan O'Connor: 'The Christmas backlash begins'

Black Friday shopper on Grafton Street, Dublin.
Black Friday shopper on Grafton Street, Dublin.
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

There was a headline running on one of the news channels on Black Friday: "Black Friday Backlash". That's the way we roll now. Things are built up fast and we get to the backlash as soon as possible. Indeed, today we're exclusively predicting that the backlash against Christmas will kick off next week.

Despite the backlash, Black Friday was a big success. Industry sources say every household in Ireland bought at least one giant TV, with some households buying up to three. People mainly bought so-called smart TVs. This means you have to be pretty smart to work them. Scientists say 63pc of people who buy a new smart TV will never figure out how to work it, and will rely on a small child to turn it on. And 35pc of people will never actually get a smart TV to go to the channel they want to watch. Sociologists say that nowadays 14pc of divorces are caused by smart TVs bought on Black Friday.

Scientists are currently trying to work out the biggest size a TV can get to before people start experiencing diminishing returns. Having bought a 44in last year, 26pc people have now upgraded to 53in, but then 17pc of them noticed that their neighbour had a 53in, so have decided to get a 65in.

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Black Friday will be followed tomorrow by the now annual "Post-room Monday", when post rooms in workplaces will be deluged by large Amazon parcels that workers get sent to their workplaces, because they are never at home any more.

It is not known yet what form the backlash against Christmas will take, but it is thought it might be around chocolate. Many people currently say they can't access any actual food in supermarkets because most shelf space has been given over to chocolate. It is estimated there are currently, in circulation in this country, eight boxes of Celebrations per head of population, and 13 boxes of Quality Street for every man, woman and child in the country. If you put all the 20-pack boxes of crisps currently swishing around the country in a line, that line would stretch around the world 18 times, or to the moon and back twice.

Shiny sweet wrappers take years to decompose and it is believed that it is this, not global warming, which will eventually lead to the extinction of the human race. There will be nowhere left to put the wrappings, and they will eventually choke us all and create their own new society where sweets with caramel and nuts will rule over the less-valued orange and strawberry centres. Scientists predict there will then be a revolution by the Miniature Heroes who will overthrow the caramel-and-nut regime. Liberated sweets will then come out on the street in jubilation. These festivities will be led, obviously, by the Celebrations.

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