Tuesday 22 October 2019

Brendan O'Connor: 'Noah, meet Ivy and Ada'

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Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

We at the Sunday Independent, along with some Russian data specialists, have dug deep into the list of popular children's names for 2018 and our findings are very disturbing.

Our number-crunching shows, for example, that within 10 years, every boy born in Ireland will be called Noah or Theodore. Noah continues to climb the charts and is now, inexplicably, the third most popular name to call your male baby in Ireland. And yes, those old-fashioned boffins at the CSO continue to divide up the list between boys and girls.

There were no less that 494 Noahs born in Ireland last year. Experts believe it's to do with all the flooding and they warn that as climate change, which apparently does exist, gets worse, more and more children will be conceived during flooding, which will cause a rising tide of Noahs. After the big snow this time last year, scientists have also warned of a new-year spike in boys called Frosty and girls called Yeti. With Patthebaker and Slicedpan also proving popular.

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No one can explain why the name Theodore essentially doubled in popularity last year but scientists say if this trend continues, Theodores will dominate and they may wipe out the remaining Noahs in some kind of tribal war.

The big movers in girls' names last year included Ada and Ivy. The number of girls named Ada doubled last year to 92, while Ivy shot into the top 100 with 73 kids being called that name. Scientists were at a loss to explain these surges, but it is thought the parents may be fans of vintage Coronation Street or wartime dramas about women in the north of England who worked in bomb-making factories and traded favours with GIs for stockings and cigarettes. Aria also stormed into the top 100, with opera-loving parents shooting it up to 76 in the charts.

One nomenclaturological statistician predicted that the next trend in naming children will be to come up with new surnames. "It's all very well calling your child Noah or Fiadh," said Dr Avocado O'Shaughnessy, "but you have to take into account the top 10 surnames of children born last year, which were Murphy, Kelly, Ryan, O'Brien, Byrne, O'Connor, Walsh, O'Sullivan, McCarthy and O'Neill. These surnames do not go well with some of these trendy new names. Noah O'Brien? Noah O'Neill? Aria O'Connor? People are going to want better surnames."

One disgruntled hipster, speaking to the Sunday Independent last night on the condition of anonymity, said he was very upset about the list. "I called my boy Noah because I am an individual and I want him to be, too. But it turns out now that another 493 people were individuals last year as well. I might as well have called him John."

Sunday Independent

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