Friday 20 September 2019

Brendan O'Connor: 'From Brexodus to Revelations'


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Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

Not meaning to be unBritish, or to be one of the gloomsters and doomsters who are holding Boris back, but you'd have to say we must be approaching the end of the world. It's hard not to look around and think these must be the end times.

Current events are presumably all predicted in the Book of Revelations or by Nostradamus.

And as we all become more and more like medieval peasants, looking up into the sky for signs of things, from blood moons to supermoons, and looking to Instagram for various snake-oil remedies and superstitions from chancers, as we cease to believe in anything rational anymore, it is back to Revelations and Nostradamus we will probably turn for our news.

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If you look hard enough at these impeccable pre-fake news sources, you will probably find something about a lying trickster of a white-headed man rising from the South East to take over Albion and build a new Jerusalem with 20,000 extra policemen. And indeed he is the perfect man for these times, telling the frightened peasants what they want to believe. And he has hired already a wizard, a social media wizard, whose previous claim to fame was that he convinced everyone he could heal the sick by giving £350m extra a week for the NHS. And even though the peasants know now this was a lie, they continue to believe.

You will recall too that the Fourth Bowl in Revelations, when poured upon the earth, causes the sun to scorch the earth with intense heat, which is clearly a reference to record temperatures in Paris and London, forcing "the people of Earth to retreat to caves in the mountains". Indeed, the first trumpet sounded in Revelations throws hail and fire to earth, burning up a third of the trees and green grass. Which could either be a reference to climate change or BusConnects.

If you looked hard enough at Nostradamus, you would probably find reference to a great wave of heat covering all the lands except for Hibernia, where it got a bit sweaty but the weather wasn't necessarily great, and ironically, the people of Hibernia wouldn't have minded just a small bit of this warming.

Nostradamus probably talked too about how this bit of warm weather grounded many of the iron birds out of Heathrow and other places, leaving the people who were "tryeing to go on their holydays snarling and gnashing their teeth" as they had to hang around in airports overnight, where "everything costeth about ten tymes what it costeth in ye regular shoppe because they have you imprysoned".

Of course, we could say these prophecies of doom will never happen. But then again, we keep saying that don't we, and then, somehow, they do happen.

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