Brendan O'Connor: 'Doonbeg eejits and other stories'
Now that we have all finished getting our collective knickers in a twist over Donald Trump's visit, here are some takeaways from the week and some things you may have missed.
1. The people of Doonbeg, and maybe rural Ireland in general, are shameless eejits. Did you see them lining up to suck up to the Trumps? Bought for the price of a pint, and, admittedly, 300 jobs and lots of visitors to their village. Dublin people had a good old look down their noses at the Doonbeg people last week, on Twitter, naturally, which is where the metropolitan elite like to go to look down their noses at people. You wouldn't get the Dublin crowd queuing up to make eejits of themselves for a wackjob from America. No, the cool crowd in Dublin were all queuing up outside Brown Thomas to pay hundreds of quid for a pair of Kanye West's Yeezy sneakers. In fact they had to be sent home for their own health and safety, and there will now be a raffle for the privilege of giving Kanye all your money. You wouldn't catch the Taoiseach sucking up to yanks for a few jobs either. He genuinely likes Sheryl Sandberg and he was really enjoying her book and just wanted to write and tell her. In Dublin, we only suck up to cool people, like Kylie.
2. After hundreds of years the church has finally realised that the Our Father doesn't make sense, so they're changing the wording. It took them this long to realise it, because at most gatherings people just say the first line and then murmur the rest of it indecipherably in unison. Indeed it is believed that no one still alive knows the full Angelus anymore, but they know the rhythm of it, for mumbling purposes. Theologians say that if the church is embarking on a process of changing all the stuff that doesn't make sense, that process may conclude sometime in the fourth millennium.
3. In case you missed it, Love Island started last week. This is a trashy TV show about a small lump of rock off the northwest coast of Ireland, and off Scotland. There's an Irish woman on Love Island this year and there's been a lot of controversy over the fact that she didn't get to get off with anyone for the first four days, and the fact that The Scotland is not happy about her being there. The Scots are claiming ownership of Love Island, which is fine with everyone else because no one else wants to claim this barren, harsh place inhabited only by birds, and some blokes.
4. Katie Taylor became the undisputed champion of the world last week but some people were confused when she came home because she seemed to be wearing a backpack or a baby harness that had Shane Ross in it. Katie eventually shook him off, but Shane is apparently looking for a rematch.
So there you go. You're all caught up now.