Brendan O'Connor: 'Deal or no-deal, we have a plan'
The Sunday Independent has seen a leaked Cabinet memo outlining plans for a no-deal Brexit. The document reveals that in the case of no deal, a detailed plan will kick in, a plan the Government is calling: Operation Project Fear 2.
Operation Project Fear Mark 2 outlines what is to happen within 24 hours of no deal, and then on a day-by-day basis. The first 24 hours is fairly simple.
It is envisaged that most people will do what Irish people generally do when they are either happy or sad about something - drink.
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It is thought they will have endless conversations speculating about what might happen next, with the people who are most clueless talking most. Due to this initial shock period, it is not envisaged that there will be any public order issues.
However, the next 24 hours is when things start kicking off. Due to the initial drinking phase it is thought that in the second 24-hour period, roaming gangs of hungover people will be on the streets, looking for Taytos, full Irish breakfasts and Coca-Cola. At this point there will be a ring of steel placed around Tayto Park in case people end up laying siege to it, looking for crisps, and perhaps wanting to eat the animals there.
It is thought that day three will largely be taken up with people starting to wonder what it all means for property prices.
By day four, panic will start to spread as people worry that we will get cut off from England. Wild stories will start to circulate that we will no longer be able to watch Killing Eve and Line of Duty and people may take to the streets at this point.
In case of a breakdown of relations with Northern Ireland, Daniel O'Donnell has been identified as someone who could mediate between the two jurisdictions, and he will be on standby to do this.
Indeed, the Government has identified several civic leaders it believes could bring people along and keep the peace in the event of a threatened societal breakdown. Dermot Bannon will be in charge of Dublin and Francis Brennan will be in charge of the rest of the country. Local chieftans will also be established based on their popularity on social media. Everyone from Pippa O'Connor to Rosanna Davison will be in charge of their local areas.
In the event of a complete breakdown in social cohesion, all survivors will be encouraged to go to Center Parcs and take refuge in the tropical swimming dome. Greg and Maura from Love Island will be in charge there. Leo Varadkar and the Cabinet will be underneath Center Parcs in a bunker at this point, along with selected advisers, like Kylie Minogue.
The document also outlines things that will be rationed in the event of no deal. Top of the list are sliced pan, Brunches, Barry's Tea, TK red lemonade, beans, Dr Oetker pizzas, Lucozade Sport and cream crackers.
The Government said it does not comment on leaked documents.