Wednesday 18 September 2019

Brendan O'Connor: '2018 never actually happened'

US President Donald Trump (AP)
US President Donald Trump (AP)
Brendan O'Connor

Brendan O'Connor

The Sunday Independent can today exclusively reveal that 2018 was, in fact, a bad dream. "Yep. Never happened," said a government spokesman. "It started out as a joke and it just got out of hand. We meant to tell people at some stage but there was never a right moment, and then eventually it had gone too far and we just decided to let it roll. We were planning to tell people when they woke up on January 1, but fair play. You guys twigged it."

Rumours began circulating that 2018 had stretched credibility and was not really happening when it looked, in the past few days, as if Mary Robinson's halo had actually slipped a little. "We went too far with the Mary Robinson thing," the source said. "Some of the stuff we put into the vast computer simulation we used to run the imaginary year was a bit unlikely, but people still seemed to believe it all. Then we got cocky with the Robinson thing, and the game was up. As if the Twitter mob would turn on her!"

It is thought in government circles that people will be so relieved that 2018 never happened that they will take it all in good spirit.

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"So Brexit was resolved, obviously," said the source, "And Theresa May obviously didn't dance on the stage to Abba music at the Tory conference. We thought we might have been pushing it too far with that one. We couldn't believe people fell for that. When people wake up on New Year's Day they will find that Brexit will never be mentioned again, and things will just go on as before, as if it never happened. Kanye is fine, too, by the way. He never met Trump in his office that time. He couldn't have anyway. Trump exploded on the toilet, while eating a cheeseburger, in February. Angelina Jolie is the President of America right now, and things are stable there. Though Brad Pitt has moved to Ireland."

Other surprises in store are that England did win the World Cup, winning the final while wearing waistcoats. Also the whole veganism thing was just a wind-up. As was Elon Musk. And the Pope never came, either. And that whole thing about that minor TV actress marrying Prince Harry and everyone becoming obsessed with the royal family again? Made up, obviously. As was Gerry Adams stepping down. And the weather. The Beast from the East and the heatwave were glitches in the simulation believed to be the result of hacking by the makers of sliced pans and cider. Kim Jong-un and Conor McGregor were made up. There was no football team trapped in a cave in Thailand, and Love Island wasn't really a TV sensation. And Leo Varadkar did not actually meet Kylie Minogue.

The source concluded: "Next year will be more boring, but definitely real, we promise."

Sunday Independent

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