Billy Keane: 'Why would Mrs 39 want her late husband back after all these years? Perhaps it's a spiritual connection'
The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years told me her late husband has confirmed, through a series of knocks, he is still alive.
The former Mr 39, according to the knocks, is in a witness protection scheme.
Mr 39 always found himself in the company of low types. Which is I suppose fair enough, seeing as Mr 39 was very much a low type himself.
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Whoever it was said opposites attract was very much wrong. As a barman since I was nine, I can assure you a bogie will always find another bogie.
Mr 39 was a petty thief mainly because he wasn't smart enough to steal large amounts. Mr 39, as you all know only too well, ran away to America with a younger woman 39 years ago, leaving Mrs 39 with the children and nothing else.
He joined up with the Irish Mafia and ran errands for Whitey Bolger, the well-known murderer who was great company when he was off duty. In time Mr 39 became an informer and was placed in witness protection.
This is what Mrs 39 was told by the knocks.
I had better explain the mystery of the knocks. There is no half-way house here. You either believe in the knocks, or you don't.
This will seem strange but the Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years still had feelings for her husband. Mostly these feelings were negative, but she still wondered what became of him.
The last Mrs 39 heard was that her ex died in New York. Mrs 39 got in touch with the ICA - the Irish Clairvoyants Association. The ICA referred her to the local séance provider, who claimed to be able to get in touch with the dead.
Madame Nora Mary invited Mr 39 to contact his ex-wife.
There was an eerie silence in Madame Nora Mary's dark kitchen. Then, dramatically, Mr 39 took control of Madame Nora Mary's fists and she knocked out a message in Morse code on the kitchen table.
This was how Mrs 39 discovered the whereabouts of her dead husband, who is possibly living in a plush County Dublin suburb where the neighbours only ever talk to each other when a sycamore grows over into the next garden and splatters the lawns with leaves and catkins. There is no better place to hide out, said Madame Nora Mary.
We have also learned Mr 39 has asked Mrs 39 to join him, even though they haven't spoken to each other for decades, as is often the case with couples in which one of whom is dead. Part of me hopes Madame Nora Mary is a fraud.
I would not be pleased if Mr 39 came back to blackguard Mrs 39 all over again.
I have come to the conclusion Mrs 39 is better off without men and sex. If he is still alive he will break her heart all over again.
Does she still love Mr 39? She definitely hates him. That much I know to be true as was evidenced here in this very paper on many occasions.
Is it possible to love and hate a person at the same time?
I have often seen rational, decent, intelligent women lose all reason over a low type.
The country is full of low types who even though they profess to love women are basically misogynists who use women for their own selfish ends.
I felt particularly aggrieved in that I praised Mr 39 when the news of his death came through from America.
Truth to tell I would never have praised Mr 39 if I knew he was still alive. The praise was given on the basis Mr 39 was dead. I said at the time he was very good to Mrs 39 as he never came home. It was the best I could think of in the circumstances.
Mr 39 was a very bad husband. He ran off with a woman called Teenchy and she broke him with plastic surgery in America so he never paid any maintenance to Mrs 39 as a result of paying for all the renovations to Teenchy.
What does worry me greatly is Mrs 39 asked Madame Nora Mary to ask Mr 39 if he still loved her. Why would Mrs 39 ask such a thing?
Mrs 39 told Madame Nora she was willing to give Mr 39 another chance. Madame Nora Mary screamed out to Mr 39 in a high voice that would crack double glazing. "She have it very bad for you," were her exact words.
The reply was a series of fast and furious knocks like a garda raiding a public house .
Madame Nora Mary's knuckles began to bleed. In the end an exhausted Madame Nora Mary pronounced Mrs 39's ex-husband was madly in love with her.
Now I'm not sure if Madame Nora Mary was being honest here. Was she just telling Mrs 39 what she wanted to hear?
What made me deeply suspicious was when Madame Nora Mary asked Mrs 39 to bring €200 next week to cover the medical costs for the fixing up of Madame Nora Marys bloody knuckles by Conor McGregor's cuts man.
Although I do admit to asking Mrs 39 to ask Madame Nora if she could ascertain if Dublin would win the five in a row so that I could make plans to emigrate in good time.
There is one aspect of the whole carry on of getting in touch with the dead that does cause me grave concern.
How is it that a dead man who is supposed to be hiding out in South County Dublin chooses to communicate through Madame Nora Mary? Wouldn't it have been much easier if he called Mrs 39 on the phone?
The other part of the story that will undoubtedly cause great difficulties for Mrs 39 is that she will lose her widow's pension if the Department of Social Welfare believes Madame Nora Mary.
What's even worse is that if Mr 39 does return to the family home here in Listowel will Mrs 39 be forced to pay back 17 years of widow's pension arrears, it being a well-known fact the widow's pension cannot be paid to women whose husbands are still alive?
This is tricky, very tricky.
We will keep you informed.