Billy Keane: 'When I heard that Mrs 39 was cooling an oul lad's tae, I thought my '50 Shades' moment had gone'
The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years is worried she will lose her widow's pension. Even though Mrs 39 (reluctantly) attended her husband's funeral 27 years ago, she could still be married.
There is a possibility Mrs 39 will have to pay back 27 years of the widow's pension, if her husband is still alive. That's 324 monthly payments in total. But more about the possible claw-back later on, and the possible sighting in New York of the late, or possibly present, Mr 39.
We will first deal with the allegations from usually unreliable sources that Mrs 39 broke her fast.
You might remember she went off the booreearee when the husband ran off with a 21-year-old "doxie" 39 years ago. Doxie is Mrs 39's word, not mine. These are dangerous times. One wrong word and it's the end of a glittering career.
There are no secrets. The 2+2=5 Society is adamant Mrs 39 is having an affair with The Man Who Knows Everything.
The 2+2=5 Society is a group of local gossips who meet on an informal basis and while there is no formal structure or leadership, they manage to cause as much mayhem as the 'gilets jaunes' (yellow vests).
"They were seen drinking tea together," said one of the 2+2=5 Society.
So I said, "So?"
Then the 2+2=5 operative whispered: "Confidentially, I heard on good authority she cooled his tae for him." There's nothing confidential about the 2+2= 5 Society. As we say in north Kerry, "they wouldn't hold their water".
In our vernacular, when a woman cools a man's tae, it means they are physically intimate.
There go my columns, I thought. The people of Ireland and beyond these shores are obsessed with the story of a woman who hasn't had sex for 39 years, but no one will want to read about a woman who is cooling some oul lad's tae a couple of times a week.
She had no right to do it. Reckless. Bang goes the 40th-anniversary-without-sex party.
There goes my USP. She could have waited. There were plans for a book and every chance of a movie deal, maybe even a musical.
The title alone would sell millions of copies. Imagine a book called 'The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 Years'. It could be bigger than '50 Shades'.
I would have written the book long before now, but I was afraid I would be had up for false advertising. There was the danger of some lad in the bookshop, and he roaring out, "I bought this book called 'The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex For 39 years' and there's no sex in it."
There's no pleasing some. Mrs 39 was adamant the last time we spoke that she did love the singer Michael Bublé but it was platonic and she had no interest in the other thing.
I was just thinking did Adam Ant, the punk singer from the 1970s, get his name from the word adamant? I must ask The Man Who Knows Everything (TMWKE). He will definitely have an answer, even if it's invariably a wrong one.
I couldn't imagine Mrs 39 having the slightest interest in cooling his tae. He's hard going, like all people who are never wrong.
From the time TMWKE bought the purple pants in Benidorm back around 1983, or it could have been 1984, The 2+2=5 Society thought he was "a small bit gay".
And good luck to him if he is. I'm sure TMWKE doesn't know he's gay and I am strongly of the opinion it's not my job to go telling him, even if it would save my book.
Now Mrs 39 was always very forthright with me so I felt I should ask her if she did actually cool TMWKE's tae, in the public interest.
That's not saying I wasn't nosey myself (and, yes, I am worried about my stock-in-trade).
This was all written on Thursday and I met with Mrs 39 by accident this very Friday morning, just a few minutes ago.
She was in very bad form. Mrs 39 told me (exclusively) that a woman who was in New York to do the Christmas shopping saw Mrs 39's late husband on 42nd Street.
"Whoever it was, even if it wasn't him, was the spit of him," reported the shopper.
There's more. Mr 39, if it was him, was holding hands with a much younger woman and she was wearing a furry hat.
He ran off when he saw the shopper, dragging the young woman in the furry hat after him "like a dog on a lead".
Mrs 39 is delighted the young one Mr 39 ran off with 39 years ago has been ditched, and sad in that she could lose her pension.
"He could be alive," said Mrs 39. "'T'would be just like something he would do. He was always borrowing money and not paying it back. The Mafia could be after him.
"He was cremated so we never got to see his face at the wake but there was a smell of drink off the ashes, which means it could have been him in the urn."
I tell her visual identification is notoriously unreliable and the NY shopper is also most unreliable.
The shopper saw the image of Michael Collins on an 'Arran Banner' one time and she is a prominent member of the 2+2=5 Society. Need I say any more?
"The Man Who Knows Everything was a great help to me and I showed him a new way of cooling his tae," said Mrs 39.
I felt faint. Would I resign from this page, or would I wait to be fired?
"It was the least I could do when he did so much research. He told me to exhume the ashes and do a DNA test."
I felt terrible for being so selfish. Isn't Mrs 39 entitled to cool anyone's tae any time she feels like it?
"The poor man," said Mrs 39 of TMWKE, "he was after getting a new set of false teeth and they were cutting the gums off of him so I poured his tae into the saucer to cool it down a bit. He was embarrassed over the slurpin', but sure wasn't it the first cup the poor man had for the most of a week."
In the meantime, Mrs 39 continues to draw her widow's pension and the proposed DNA test has been postponed indefinitely.