Thursday 17 October 2019

Billy Keane: 'Strange obsession with lad waving a polo stick on front of cheap US T-shirts cost me my best source'

Keane's Kingdom

'There was a possible sighting of her long-dead husband in Macy’s of New York by Irish
shoppers.' Photo: Bloomberg
'There was a possible sighting of her long-dead husband in Macy’s of New York by Irish shoppers.' Photo: Bloomberg
Billy Keane

Billy Keane

My best source has been cruelly taken from me by the scaremongering of transatlantic shoppers. It's not like as if there isn't anything much going on. The one good thing about Trump is that you'd never be stuck for a column.

I have nothing to write about because I have too much to write about.

It would be easy enough to do a column about Brexit, but I don't want to. Brexit will sort itself out in time, with or without my help. There's too much at stake even though it has to be said the wrong honourable members of the House of Commons, and the Tories in particular, aren't exactly the smartest.

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This Englishman said to me the reason their politicians are so inept is because the really smart people stay away from politics.

The Englishman said the smart ones over the water know they would have miserable lives if they did go in to politics, what with the whole world whinging about them, and asking for things and to do things.

Jimmy Deenihan, our former TD, was having the Christmas dinner one time and the doorbell rang a chilling chime. Jimmy duly answered and there before him were two people he didn't know. "We called because we knew you would be at home today, Jimmy."

Jimmy, ever polite, invited the couple in, thinking it might be some sort of emergency. The couple stayed an hour and the Christmas dinner was put on hold.

At the end of the hour Jimmy promised to get on to the council and try his best to get the pothole fixed.

But I'm not sure what will really happen with Brexit, so there's no point in guessing and pretending I'm sure of my ground.

I'm sick of pretending to know everything. My guess is the politicians haven't a clue what's going to happen. But here's a forecast for 2019. The Ulster farmers will soften up the DUP. No one ever gets the better of the farmers when their very livelihoods are at stake.

The Woman Who Hasn't Had Sex for 39 Years has barely put her head outside the door since Christmas. You might remember there was a possible sighting of her long-dead husband in Macy's of New York by Irish shoppers.

There hasn't been a word out of her in the meantime. She's not talking to me. Why that should be, I do not know. There are times when she gets a bit odd.

I'd say Mrs 39 definitely gave the Christmas wishing the husband was definitely dead and worrying about having to hand back her widow's pension. It's no wonder she's gone a small bit odd. Still though, Mrs 39 should have stopped for a chat. I could have knocked another column out of her in slow times.

I blame all the Irish people going off to New York to do the shopping. They go for the cheap T-shirts with this lad waving a polo stick on the front, like a farmer herding cattle with a hurley. There are no polo teams around here. I never heard of such a thing as the North Kerry Polo Championship.

Makes no sense to me either. It would be something if there were Listowel Emmets shirts at half-price in Macy's. But polo players? Who won last year's Polo All-Ireland? There, that proves it.

But the country seems to have more polo supporters than hurling fans. It's all because the shirts are cheaper in America.

It's hard enough to resist buying something when it's reduced by 73pc. Even when you don't need the slashed item.

The fact is Mrs 39 is now silent and I have to do without my best source of information. I was hoping Mrs 39 would at least listen up for long enough for me to tell her that visual identification is notoriously unreliable. But she didn't.

I only heard the story third- or fourth-hand, but this other woman whose husband also left her for another woman said she still had feelings for her ex even though he done her wrong.

Most of her hates him she said, but a part of her still loves him. So I was wondering if it's the same story with Mrs 39. Was part of her hoping he was still alive? Is she hoping for reconciliation? Or is it how Mrs 39 wants him to beg her to take him back so that she can have the satisfaction of refusing him in a very forthright manner?

I can't say for sure because of the people who went shopping to New York and brought home their story of a possible sighting of the dead Mr 39.

There's one thing for sure and that is if I ever came back from the dead, I wouldn't give my time shopping for T-shirts with lads playing polo stuck on to the front of them.

Lazarus hardly said: "Ah that's great. Thanks for that. Now that I'm back in the land of the living, I'm off straight away to the January sales for a T-shirt with some tool waving a polo hurl."

There goes another New Year's resolution. I even wrote out the 2019 resolution as I read somewhere that if you write down your goal, then it is more likely to come true. The resolution was only one line and there was only five words in the one line.

The resolution is "take plenty of no notice". It's one of my mother's sayings and it means don't let the less important life events bother you. The good thing about "take plenty of no notice" is you can get back on the wagon when you fall off.

The 2018 edition of me was to get annoyed if the people driving in their cars kept me trapped in the car park space when I was trying to pull out. It was as if I was trying to rob their space.

But now I just let the rush-bys be, wish them well and consequently they don't annoy me anymore.

The annoying noise made by high heels pounding on timber floors hardly affects me these days.

The sheep worriers on the net, I have sentenced to solitary confinement with only the ingenuity of their own malice practice for company.

But the next time ye see a dead man shopping with his new girlfriend, please, please don't go telling his widow.

Irish Independent

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