Billy Keane: 'Left all hot and bothered by the fact 'Love Island' can trigger the male menopause - twice'
The Woman who Hasn't had Sex for 39 Years isn't that gone on 'Love Island'.
I wish it was over. 'Love Island' has emptied the pubs. The sales of red wine from the supermarkets and red wine sofa-stain remover have gone through the roof. 'Love Island' has me nearly broke.
It seems the whole country is voting for a Longford girl called Maura, who is TV gold. Not even Michael D is as high in the polls.
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'Love Island' will be all over on Monday night. There's more talk in our pub about who will win 'Love Island' than who will win the All-Ireland hurling and football championships. Xanax is on a double shift trying to make up enough tablets to ease the inevitable 'Love Island' withdrawal but at least us barmen will eat again.
One man told me, confidentially, the sight of all the good-looking women triggered off a second dose of the male menopause, nearly nine years after he spent 10 grand on a hair transplant and a penis enlargement.
"A sports car would have been cheaper," he told me.
Meno Man, as we'll call him from now on, has the hots big time for you know who.
But The Woman who Hasn't had Sex for 39 Years says she still has no interest in men.
And would you blame her with that sort of carry on by Meno Man and his ilk?
I always thought men only get the menopause the once, which if you ask me is once too often.
But Mrs 39 put me straight. She referenced her late husband.
Regular readers will remember Mr 39 was possibly seen lately in New York, even though he is supposed to be legally dead in an urn after he took a bad turn.
As most of you know, Mr 39 ran off with a younger woman 39 years ago. Mrs 39 has abstained from sex ever since, in protest.
I felt duty bound to inform Mrs 39 that Meno Man was mad about her. I also felt she should be told Meno Man was after contracting a repeat dose of hormone reflux from watching the lovely girls on 'Love Island'.
Before we go any further, just in case, let me tell ye 'Love Island' is a competition and the couple voted for by the public go on to win.
I haven't seen much of it what with the GAA season in full flight.
I'm a sports writer and I have to watch game after game. There's no time for looking at love or lust on the television, and it's not that I'm afraid of getting the menopause.
Where were we?
As I was saying, Mrs 39 hasn't much time for 'Love Island'. So I tell Mrs 39, Ireland could have won the treble. First of all Shane Lowry walked away with The Open. At the time of writing there was an outside chance Ireland could have beaten England in the cricket, which happens to be their national game. And Maura is six-to-four on favourite to win the biggest English love-in championship ever.
That would have given the newly appointed British prime minister something to think about.
Maybe Boris will have our Maura deported before Monday night's final?
Leo must fight for a backstop for Maura. Here's a warning for you Boris. If you knobble our Maura it will be The 1916 Rising all over again, and worse. The Irish are far more concerned about 'Love Island' than Brexit and Love Ireland.
Where was I? So I tell Mrs 39, Menopause Man has the hots for her. But first she tells me her ex must have had a bad dose of the menopause when he ran off with the 21-year-old fully 39 years ago.
"But," asks I, foolishly as it turns out, "wasn't he far too young? Sure wasn't Mr 39 only 30ish at the time he left for LA to make a film star out the 21-year-old?"
"He couldn't help himself," she said. "Irish men go straight from the adolescence to the menopause. It's hereditary. Wasn't his poor father killed stone dead when he tried riding his bike with no hands going down Ballygrennane Hill and he trying to impress a 22-year-old, and he gone the 70."
Mrs 39's comments may need some clarification. Gone the 70 was her late father-in-law's age, and not his speed at the time of his unfortunate demise. There are some who say such was the father-in-law's ardour, the bike speed exceeded his age on what was and still is a very steep decline.
Smart and all as I thought I was, it never dawned on me until now the male menopause was an Irish disease, like hemochromatosis.
"So what do you think of Meno Man? Are you interested?" I ask.
Mrs 39's eyelashes rise up to tickle her eyebrows.
"Sure the next time that oul codger goes up the aisle it will be in a coffin. I was watching him the other day and he has a gammy walk. He wouldn't even be able to put out the bin for me."
Just in case there are any tourists reading this we had better explain that Irish women are mad about men who put out the bins.
It's a sort of practical foreplay for the women.
It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Maura had her man put out the bins on Monday night, just to be sure of the Irish women's vote.
I went off course again.
By way of explanation let me point out that in regards to Meno Man's "gammy" walk, this unsteadiness may have resulted from the unintended consequences of the aforementioned surgical extremity extension.
I did not mention this to Mrs 39. She might just say it back to Meno Man and he would blame me for breaking a confidence.
As I was saying up at the top of the page, Mrs 39 is not a fan of 'Love Island' even though she likes Maura and greatly admires the gentlemanliness of the young O'Shea lad from Limerick.
She has her own name for 'Love Island' and it is not complimentary. There are times when Mrs 39 is a little too forthright but it is our job here to report.
Mrs 39's title for the biggest hit of the year is 'Lips and Ti*s'.