Thursday 14 November 2019

Billy Keane: 'It's eyes down for a full house as Alexander of Montenegro turns the chancer's charm on Mrs 39'

Keane's Kingdom

'Mrs 39 is a quick learner. In no time at all, or it could have even been shorter than that, Mrs 39 was reading the parish notes on her new laptop' (stock photo)
'Mrs 39 is a quick learner. In no time at all, or it could have even been shorter than that, Mrs 39 was reading the parish notes on her new laptop' (stock photo)
Billy Keane

Billy Keane

Is it possible to be an innocent young girl when you are gone past the 70?

The Woman who hasn't had Sex for 39 Years is being seduced by a cunning predator with a moustache who doesn't wear socks.

Alexander is a foreigner from out Montenegro way. Or so he says. I blame it all on the Get Up and Go Club.

Please log in or register with Independent.ie for free access to this article.

Log In

It was the Get Up and Go Club that put Mrs 39 online.

The club is for older ladies and Mrs 39 joined up on an introductory internet course.

Mrs 39 is a quick learner. In no time at all, or it could have even been shorter than that, Mrs 39 was reading the parish notes on her new laptop.

The dangers of the internet were never rightly explained to her. Mrs 39 almost became hooked on the online bingo.

She always loved the real bingo. It is said bingo is a substitute for sex. But then again they say that about everything.

Mrs 39 has to have something to be knocking a bit of fun out of, seeing as she packed in the real bingo because of all the bad language.

I know a bit about bingo. We used to go with the grandmother when we were kids. My brother won a gas cooker when he was five. I never had any luck.

The mother pulled us out of the bingo when we developed a smoker's cough.

There was a lot of smoking at the bingo and it was all indoors. You could hardly see with all the smoke. I was smoking about 40 a day when I was nine even though I never so much as took a pull of a fag.

The mother copped what was happening. Mam was before her time.

There was never a mention of passive smoking back when I was a boy. Some of the doctors even advised their patients to take up smoking as a cure for anxiety.

There was a sort of smoking club in a run-down pub in Listowel where the young lads used to hang out. The cigarettes were sold in ones. The owners were very strict. They only ever sold the cigarettes to the over 10s.

To be fair to the old people who ran the smokers club, there was no talk at that time about the cigarettes being in any way dangerous to your health.

As usual I have gone completely off the point.

By the way Mrs 39 gave up the real bingo for the virtual bingo because of the bad language.

Mrs 39 is very much the lady unless it comes to talking about her first and only husband, who went offside.

"The little b***ix traded me in for a younger model," said Mrs 39 bitterly. By the way the letters replaced by the trio of asterisks are o, l and another l, in that order.

But that was the only time I ever heard her curse, and wasn't she well entitled? Mrs 39 hated bad language which was why she gave up the real bingo.

"How do you get an 80-year-old daily communion receiver to say the F word?" asked Mrs 39.

"Haven't a clue," replied I.

"Get the lady sitting beside her to shout 'check'." For those of you don't know much about bingo, check is shouted out by the bingo winners when they win.

So I asked Mrs 39 how do you know the man you met on Tinder is really from Montenegro.

Mrs 39 was highly insulted, which is much worse than being insulted.

"I am highly insulted," she said. "Is it how you think men aren't interested in me?

"I'll have you know there are several of the high-ups who have let it be known that they would only love to have me cool their tae for them."

The high-ups are retired bank managers, school principals, big farmers and the like. Cool your tae means sex. Tae is tea.

"Be careful of the lad who says he is from Montenegro," I advised.

"Why?" asks Mrs 39. So I tell her not everyone who uses the dating sites are chancers, but all chancers use the dating sites.

"Did he ask you for money?" I enquired.

Mrs 39 turns purple with the temper.

"How dare you say that about my Alexander?" said Mrs 39 bluntly.

"Is it how you think I am so desperate for a man that I have to pay him?"

Off comes her woolly tea cosy hat and Mrs 39 squeezes same with the rage, like as if she was wringing a wet towel dry.

"Our friendship is over," she said.

I get a weakness. This is a catastrophe.

What will I write about if Mrs 39 cuts me out of her life?

I am torn between my duty to warn Mrs 39 of the dangers of online dating chancers and my own selfish interests.

Mrs 39 has been my stock-in-trade here in the Irish Independent ever since she was Mrs 36. Mrs 39 paid the bills.

"Ah but Mrs 39," said I in a funk, "sure there isn't a man in Listowel, and well beyond, who doesn't think you are a fine looking woman."

Then I get to thinking Mrs 39 could take offence at being called good looking.

Maybe she might have taken to reading ultra-feminist bloggers on the net.

So quick as a shot I added in: "I hope you don't think I'm being too cheeky but you are bursting with brains, girl.

"Sure didn't you master the internet in no time at all?

"And if I may so, you have a lovely personality.

"One of the lads was asking me the other day what age I'd put on you? Ah, says I, she's surely nearly the 60 but she looks barely the 50."

I could see her face change. As they say in the Dáil, I was pressing all the right buttons.

Mrs 39 laughed. "Flattery will get you everywhere."

The relief flooded through me like when you turn on the hot tap in the bath with your toes.

Mrs 39 was grateful.

"Billy, I know you were only for my good. There is no need to worry about me.

"Keep this to yourself, but Alexander has it very bad for me. Sure isn't he after asking me for my bank details.

"He wants to put the money in so he can book my flight to Montenegro."

  • Billy Keane's new book 'The Very Best of Billy Keane' is on sale now

Irish Independent

Today's news headlines, directly to your inbox every morning.

Don't Miss