Billy Keane: 'Between Rockall and a hard place: the warmonger's answer to the Scottish fishmongers'
The Basques, the Celts, the Vikings, the Normans, the Spanish, the Scots, the French and the English have all invaded us.
It doesn't take a military genius to figure out which of the above would be easiest to take out. It's the Scots. They have an even worse record in big battles than we do. And right now the Scots are coming on strong.
Last year, the treacherous Scottish Rugby Football Union refused to vote for us to host the Rugby World Cup. Now the Scots have claimed part of Ireland as their very own. The Scots have laid claim to Rockall, which is too small even for one-off housing.
The Scottish have threatened to arrest the fishermen from Greencastle if they fish off Rockall. This is an act of war.
Isn't it ironic then that the Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is named after a fish? Her predecessor as leader of the Scottish National Party was a man called Alex Salmond and he was all for making Scotland great again. The annexation of Rockall is a red herring to distract people from the embarrassing fact the Scots voted to stay on as part of Great Britain. This tactic is similar to the one used by Margaret Thatcher, who fought Argentina when she was going bad in the polls. The best practice for invading another country is to pick on a place with hardly any planes or ships or soldiers. Ireland is temporarily under-strength right now.
The Scots haven't picked a name yet for the invasion of Rockall. The Americans are very good at thinking up top war games handles such as Operation Desert Storm for the first Gulf War. My own favourite is Operation Urgent Fury, the title given to the invasion of Grenada by the United States in 1983.
Sources close to the Scots working at the front suggest the Scots might just go for Operation Kilt Kill. There is still time to sue for peace, as my cousin Fergal is still in Africa.
Simon Coveney, our Foreign Affairs Minister, has gone for a measured diplomatic approach.
But if Vladimir Putin was in charge of Ireland, there would be Tricolours flying high tonight over Edinburgh Castle. The umbrella tips would be dipped in polonium and the massed choirs of 'Scotland the Brave' would be stilled by 'A Nation Once Again' or 'Ireland's Call' if the DUP join us.
I say we declare war on Scotland.
I go further. Let's not lose the element of surprise by declaring war. The fisheries police would hardly phone a den of poachers to declare they were about to make a raid.
The Scots have it coming. They invaded us first.
Ulster was planted by Scots Presbyterians in the 17th century. The locals were kicked out of their farms. We hadn't a day's peace ever since. The EU will be only delighted. How can Britain leave if we invade them? The US will surely back us, although President Trump also owns a hotel and golf course in Scotland.
It seems that while the seas around Rockall are full of fish, the real wealth could be underneath the surface of the ocean. Most of the wars in recent times have been fought over the control of gas and/or oil reserves. We are well within our rights.
We must stop the Scots and stop them now. And what's next for the Scots? Will they go after Rathlin Island or even the Aran Islands? There's nowhere safe. The 'domino theory' caused the Vietnam War. It went something along the lines that when one country toppled over, the next one fell as well. Meanwhile, Ricky Noble's stag on Achill today goes on as planned.
The UN will go in to special conclave. We can use the excuse used by Hitler when he invaded the Sudetenland. Hitler's lie was that he was only annexing his neighbours to protect the Germans who were being blackguarded by the Czechs. President Putin maintained he was only invading the Ukraine to mind the people there who were of Russian descent.
Many of the ancestors of the Ulster dispossessed have settled in Scotland. There are more people of Co Donegal descent living in Scotland than in Co Donegal. Every Gallagher and O'Donnell in Scotland will rise up with us. All of Celtic will march with their own.
Celtic fans have been subjected to vile chants from the pro-invasion Glasgow Rangers fans over a good many years. There's our excuse, and now is the time.
The Army must be mobilised immediately. Only the Army mind. If we send gardaí the overtime would break the country.
We must move quickly while the parties of the left here at home are still trying to make up their minds whether we are imperialist warmongers fighting a war over oil or patriots reclaiming the lost rock of the Irish.
Our war is moral. Our struggle for freedom is legally justified.
History is on our side. Rockall is ours. The Wolfe Tones claimed Rockall many years ago. Now The Continuity Wolf Tones are ready to rouse the troops with the old refrain from 'Rock on Rockall', a big hit in the 1970s.
May the Seagulls rise and pluck your eyes/And the water crush your shell/ And the natural gas will burn your ass/And blow you all to hell...
I was just thinking there now, we might as well take the Isle of Man as we're at it. The British will probably just draw a line down the middle and give us half, just as they did with the Indian sub-continent and the Middle East.
The Irish have tried to stake a claim other than by singing for Rockall.
We must fight for those who went before us. A small Irish force, of one, invaded Rockall on July 8, 1975. Willie Dick bravely jumped from a ship named the Verve, captained by Michael d'Alton, a decorated veteran of D-Day.
I heard tell of a boy who was christened Michael Long, but one day his name was called out on the school roll as Long, Mickey. He was often slagged off after that like 'A Boy Named Sue'. I hope there will be no inappropriate remarks from the Scots over the name of our Rockall climber. Willie Dick patriotically scrambled up the slippery rock, measured Rockall, planted the Tricolour on the top and meticulously inscribed the record of the Irish invasion on a previously fixed British plaque. Ireland must follow on from Willie Dick and take what is rightfully ours.
PS: We can always give Scotland back afterwards if it proves too dear to run.