Tuesday 25 September 2018

Two is company, but is three the norm?

File photo
File photo

John Masterson

I was fascinated that during the winter cold spell large portions of the Irish nation turned to pornography sites on the internet to while away the hours. Watching people bonk has never been high on my list of desirable activities. I have always been more interested in the suggestion of sex rather than having it in my face, so to speak.

Pretentious as it may sound, I have always found that my most vital sexual organ is my brain and the fuel that sets it in motion has usually been conversation. That is not to say that the entire process will not be greatly facilitated by a shapely leg in a short skirt. I am very human. But it is a smile and a laugh that I find attractive.

So I took to the bed with my iPad last week to do some research. First I rehearsed how to clear browsing history in case I had a sudden heart attack. I do not want to be found with rigor mortis staring at a dodgy website. Nor do I want to have the gossip at my cremation to begin with "and did you hear what he was up to? I had no idea! Sad, isn't it." This would be followed by the suggestion that I had found the images so exciting that my ticker could not stand the pace. That would be very insulting to former lovers. I think it more likely from what I saw this week that I would have been bored to death.

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