Friday 14 December 2018

Two is company, but is three the norm?

File photo
File photo

John Masterson

I was fascinated that during the winter cold spell large portions of the Irish nation turned to pornography sites on the internet to while away the hours. Watching people bonk has never been high on my list of desirable activities. I have always been more interested in the suggestion of sex rather than having it in my face, so to speak.

Pretentious as it may sound, I have always found that my most vital sexual organ is my brain and the fuel that sets it in motion has usually been conversation. That is not to say that the entire process will not be greatly facilitated by a shapely leg in a short skirt. I am very human. But it is a smile and a laugh that I find attractive.

So I took to the bed with my iPad last week to do some research. First I rehearsed how to clear browsing history in case I had a sudden heart attack. I do not want to be found with rigor mortis staring at a dodgy website. Nor do I want to have the gossip at my cremation to begin with "and did you hear what he was up to? I had no idea! Sad, isn't it." This would be followed by the suggestion that I had found the images so exciting that my ticker could not stand the pace. That would be very insulting to former lovers. I think it more likely from what I saw this week that I would have been bored to death.

I endured a video where a mother seduced a schoolteacher in order to get her son's grades improved. The message was that once a woman bares her breasts a man will lose all self-control. I stopped before the end. Soporific. I assume that she then blackmailed him so that for 10 minutes use of her body her son needn't even open a book again and probably has a PhD by now. Good use of the resources at her disposal.

Dreadful TV or sex aid?

I persevered and refused any requests to pay money or give my email address. I do not want to have my accountant asking me if 'Really Horny Girls' is 'Entertainment' or an 'Essential Business Expense'.

Over the course of a dullish hour I learned a lot of things that I did not know and am happy to share with you:

1 Sex is a normal human activity that involves one man and two women.

2 Before sex proper begins a man always requires 15 minutes of oral attention.

3 This pleasurable task is sometimes shared between two women who are able to synchronise their attention to the ugly male appendage.

4 A woman is never happier than when watching her husband 'banging' her neighbour/ best friend/ someone they picked up at a night club, and it is important to video it.

5 Sex is a serious business and he should go at it as if instructed by Joe Schmidt not to stop for any reason until he gets over the line.

6 Women have no interest in conversation, general gentle caressing, tenderness or any of that loving stuff.

7 But they love anal sex and men should always try to fit a little bit in.

I am eagerly looking forward to my first threesome. I think I will give it until July as I want to lose a few pounds so that I look good on camera even from my most unflattering angles. By the way, does my little-loved and recently redundant inflatable doll go in general rubbish or can I recycle?

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