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Vogue Williams and Spencer Matthews (RSPCA)

Vogue Williams and Spencer Matthews (RSPCA)

Vogue Williams and Spencer Matthews (RSPCA)

Spencer Matthews, new husband to the people's princess Vogue Williams, gave an interview last week in which he made it very clear that he absolutely definitely wasn't going to cheat on our girl.

Definitely, definitely. Move along people, no cheating here!

In a curious turn of phrase, Spencer said that being unfaithful to Vogue would be "a momentous waste of time".

After a lifetime of being a thorough wrong 'un, and even managing to forge a career out of it, Spencer has grown up and learnt how to keep his trousers on. And he wants us all to know.

Perhaps it's like trying to give up smoking, when you tell all your friends as you begin so you have some kind of supportive accountability - when you're about to reach for a fag, it helps to have a few people cry, 'Stop! what are you doing?', and slapping your hand away. I imagine it's exactly the same for Spencer but with young ones.

Spencer is a Made in Chelsea alum, where he love-ratted his way through a string of high-drama relationships. He said Vogue is his first serious relationship away from the TV cameras and it "feels the most real". Who'd have thought!

The 30-year-old attributes his settling down to growing up; he said he fell in love with TV personality Vogue as "I was turning into a... well, I was already an adult". But as an adult-baby millennial myself, I sympathise with Spencer, we are the first generation to use 'adult' as a verb because we know that the trappings of adulthood are arduous and relentless: tax returns, waking up in the morning, keeping your pants zipped. It's strenuous stuff that no 20-something adolescent should be expected to deal with.

I have full faith that now Spencer has turned 30, he will be the faithful adult husband Vogue and their soon-to-be-born son deserve. Definitely definitely.

Move along, people.

*******

You know when you see a video of children doing something hilarious but humiliating on the internet and you think: their parents shouldn't have recorded that, and they definitely shouldn't have put it online.

It's grand now, but what about when they're older and there's a video of themselves stuck in a toilet starkers, or doing a mortifying dance routine, permanently on the internet and nothing they can do about it?

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It's not fair, you think, it feels ethically compromising to watch and inevitably laugh.

These were exactly my thoughts upon reading the Jennifer Lawrence interview with BBF Emma Stone for Elle's September issue. I had to take a few breaks during the reading of it, such was the forceful full-body cringe-nausea that relentlessly assailed me, like sugar-demented children with a stubborn pinata - getting to the end of it was truly my Everest.

In the snowflakiest move ever snowflaked, Emma had 'requested' to be interviewed by Jen for the magazine, for the launch of Louis Vuitton's new fragrance of which she is the face.

A couple of years ago, Jennifer said of their friendship: "We're both hoarse after we hang-out us, oh my God. I can't imagine what it must be like for other people. We should never hang-out, only with each other."

It turns out she was right on the money.

It started inauspiciously, with Jennifer Lawrence making it very clear, Spencer Matthews-style, that she is absolutely best friends with Emma Stone, whom she calls by her real name 'Emily' - a ridiculous affectation given they met many years after the name change.

"You're so pretty. How'd you get like that?" asks Jen.

Emma replies, "What's the Bridesmaids line you always say?"

Says Jen: "That you smell like pinecones and you look like Cinderella. Care to comment?."

"She says that to me all the time."

Basically, it's like reading a Facebook comment thread between a couple whom you know live together but insist on having unfathomably boring in-jokey conversations online for everyone to see how great they are together. It reads like it was exhausting to partake in the conversation, listen to it, transcribe it. I certainly needed a lie down after reading it.

Emma and Jennifer, who mystifyingly do not seem to have a couple name so will henceforth be known as 'Emmifer', are the millennial internet's favourite pair.

Like Spencer, and all of us, Stone sees 30 as the age at which you become a grown up, "It's like, Now what do I actively want as an adult?"

We seem to find their relentless 'relatability' (the principle by which celebs live and die by in 2018) utterly charming. They're just like us! Just like us and our pals, they too were set up by Woody Harrelson! They too share a stalker! But this time they went too far. It was impenetrable and deeply irritating.

JL: "What movie changed your life? Care to take a gander? Obviously the best movie ever made was Jurassic Park. We all know that."

ES: "But I wasn't in that, Jen. I'm not Laura Dern, as much as I want to be."

JL: "You were amazing with the triceratops."

ES: "It's not me! I wish it were me, but it's not me."

JL: "You look so good in khaki shorts." [Both laugh]

Let's just agree that celebrities interviewing other celebrities is a trend that needs to die. Right now. This isn't Carpool Karaoke; this is the swansong of culture, media, celebrity itself.

Or maybe I'm just being defensive because just when I'd stopped panicking about robots stealing my job, it seems I now need to worry about Jennifer bloody Lawrence doing it.

Perhaps I'll lose three stone and start goofily walking red carpets in couture, talking about all the cheeseburgers I've just eaten and see how she likes it.


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