Wednesday 14 November 2018

The cupla focal and pious drivel that keeps Irish artificially alive

IT'S official: God wants the people of Ireland to speak Irish. This unassailable truth puts all doubt about the future of The Language where it finally belongs: in the rubbish bin of history. Or maybe God was just trying to spare me a lynching.

Now I've said many times that the entire project to restore the Irish languages is an immoral waste of time and money – which was why I was asked on last Tuesday's 'Prime Time'. This clearly prompted God to behave rather like the Chinese peasant that burns down his house in order to have some roast pork. On Monday, he covered all of Europe in a blanket of snow and ice, and simultaneously banjaxed my central heating, obliging me to chop some firewood. A swing of the axe, and a wicked shard of timber, turned my upper lip into a mouthburger, oozing ketchup.

In my sanguinary stead, RTE got Brenda Power of 'The Sunday Times' to play devil's advocate, against two supporters of The Language. She began by declaring that she was happy to have Irish as the first national tongue, which is rather like a state prosecutor telling the jury that the accused is not guilty. The discussion duly descended into a grisly phantasmagoria of simpering and denial. That such a farrago – all sweet smiles of submission before the Totem of The Language, like young chimps making a communal rictus of obeisance at a dominant alpha male – could even masquerade as a "debate", says it all.

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