Kevin Myers: Rooney has a potato for a face, a turnip in his skull, a carrot in his trousers. . .
ONE look at Wayne Rooney tells you that he's a product of the Irish-vegetable gene pool, with a potato for a face, a turnip in his skull and a vermilion carrot in his trousers.
One look at Peter Crouch tells you that he is a true son of England, with a sheep-skull where his face should be, a mangel wurzel where most people keep their frontal lobe and a purple cucumber down below.
Both the turnip and the mangel wurzel apparently share separate blood systems with their owners' respective penises. These are not connected to the rest of their bodies, they are virtually autonomous. To be sure, both footballers also have thinking brains but these are not linked to their reproductive organs, for the latter are loyal citizens of the independent Republic of Priapia.