Tuesday 20 February 2018

Kevin Myers: God made the horsefly to punish humanity

JULY becomes August, strawberries vanish and the season of horseflies is upon us. The back-story is as follows. One day, the Holy Ghost -- who was always a bit of a prankster -- slipped a laxative into God the Father's soup, as a result of which He was caught short near a bunch of schoolgirls near Galilee.

G the F's counsel never turned up for the court case that resulted, having run into a tribunal on his way from Judea (concerning corrupt payment to archangels: 6,543 years later, it's still going on). Thus G the F had to defend himself. The usual beak, Mr Justice Lucifer, had fallen in with a bunch of Bad Samaritans the night before and was confined to bed with the vapours. In his place was the ferocious Spanish nun, Mother Constipatia de los Piles. Having no idea what G the F was talking about, she sentenced Him either to a month of listening to triumphalist speeches by Enda Kenny, or 10 years on Ryker's Island. It was during the 3,357th sleepless night sharing a prison cell with Dr Harold Shipman, who had recently developed a taste in necrophilia, that G the F decided to take out His anger on all mankind. And so He designed the horsefly.

It is also called the cleg. Or the gadfly. Or sometimes, and wrongly, the bot. Somewhat mysteriously, it is confined to this part of the world, though we played no part in any of the more torrid episodes in the Old Testament that had so jaundiced God the Father against mankind. The Book of Genesis does refer to various characters such as Ham and Cush and Phut and Shem and Mash and Uz and Uzal and Heth and Lud, and not always flatteringly, but never once to Cleg or Gad or Bot. This was a serious omission. For, just as you don't know Ireland until you have attended the unspeakable horrors of a Fianna Fail ard fheis, until you have personally encountered a horsefly, you really don't know much about God's terrible, vengeful ways.

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