Thursday 18 January 2018

Kevin Myers: For the love of God, and his blessed disciple St Patrick, displace me from this wretched isle

Kevin Myers

Mbwana minister! All hail from the Emerald Isle, on this, its patron saint's feast day! It is my 10th year here! Any chance of granting me the posting that I sought after my very first week?

To somewhere civilised, like North Korea, or Burma, or dear old Liberia? I liked Liberia. Yes, they sometimes kill children there, but that is in war: the highest men in the land raped children at a time of peace in this country, and got away with it. Big men, Mbwana. Important men, with purple hats, and their crimes were covered up by other men with purple hats.

The health ministry here is pioneering new long thin hospital wards called "corridors". There is no money for the patients, because it is all being spent on the staff. Thousands of people are X-rayed here, and then no one bothers to read the X-rays, ho ho ho. In a county called Kerry, they are building a new hospital in K'nmare, to keep a politician called Jackie Healy-Rae happy. There are no words in English to describe him. In our mother tongue, he is what we would call a g'bdaw. Who will run the hospital? The patients probably. For I should tell, you, Mbwana, that Irish politicians think that forward planning only happens in a rugby scrum.

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