Thursday 26 April 2018

Kevin Myers: Eamon da Vinci invented the harpsichord, the doughnut, the submarine, Y-fronts. . .

The National Council for Curriculum and Assessment has proposed removing history from the Junior Certificate, prompting cries of: "We're losing our roots, our sense of self!" But some form of "history" will always be transmitted, usually enriched, of course, by popular culture.

There have been movements for Irish independence for centuries -- the first was led by the broadcaster, Ryan Boru, Radio Two, around 1042 AM. Then Henry VIII of England wanted to marry Wallis Boleyn, which the Pope wouldn't allow, so Henry ordered a Reformation, and closed down the monasteries, with all the Brothers, and the convents, with all the Sistercians. But it was the loss of the Friars and the midnight chip-vans that prompted a serious Irish rebellion. This resulted in an invasion by William The Orange and Cromwell The Olive. The subsequent Irish defeats by these vegetables led to the Penile Laws, which ruled that if any Protestant offered £5 for your wife, she was his, except on Fridays, when he had to settle for fish.

A successful mass-resistance to these laws was led by Daniel O'Donnell, the Kinkassler Krooner, resulting in Catholic Ejaculation, and a population boom. The potato blight followed, after which there was no history until 1916, when Patrick Pierced Nostrils, James Connolly the Marxist and Constance Gore-Booth the Markevitz (the female form) led a Rising in which some 500 people were killed, after which the brutal British killed some of the leaders.

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