Sunday 8 December 2019

Vindication once again!

I got a lot of stick from women after a piece I wrote recently.

I pointed out that Mrs iSpy had been sick with a chest infection over the Christmas period and spent the entire Yuletide coughing, retching and hacking.

More irksome still was the fact that every time I asked her to keep it down or leave the room, she simply glared at me and muttered darkly.

No, at the time, I said that it was a complete myth that men are worse patients and, basically, bigger wusses than women when they are sick. And then, like buses, not one but two surveys have turned up which prove yours truly was right.

It has now been concluded that man flu is actually a real illness and not just a case of a bloke malingering and, perhaps even more gratifyingly, comes the news that women are worse patients than men.

In fact, not only do we not get sympathy when we're sick, we receive little but scorn.

Indeed, the last time I was lying stricken in bed, I rang my wife in work and demanded that she come home with some chicken soup or else the angels would come and take me at any moment.

Her response?

She threatened to bring me down to the vet and have me put down.

Which was nice.

Anyone got the world's smallest violin?

So, how are you settling into the new year?

Christmas seems but a distant memory and the only things that remain are the odd pine needle from the Christmas tree that you didn't catch with the hoover and, the chances are, you're still packing a few extra pounds from all you ate.

It's no surprise that this is the time of the year when gyms are at their busiest, although that will tail off in the coming months.

But if you're feeling a bit down about your weight, spare a thought for Holly Carpenter (pictured).

The model is a size 8, which most women would be happy with – but not Holly.

In fact, she announced this week that she is to undergo lipo to lose more weight because "all women have problem areas""

I would imagine if there was one guaranteed way to make women hate you, it's to be a size 8, professional model who then trumpets the fact that they're not happy with their body . . .

Whoops, I went too far

As you may remember (What? You mean you didn't read it? Tsk) the other day I wrote about a guy I know whose wife recorded him snoring while he was asleep.

Having been convinced that he never snored, this revelation came as something of a shock to him.

But it also sewed some confusion.

I was talking to a colleague yesterday and he spat: "I'm sick of providing material for your bloody column."

I hadn't a clue what he was talking about until he claimed that he was the person I was referring to.

The thing is: he wasn't, but his other half had also recorded him and he assumed he must have told me.

My God, how many Irish women out there spend their nights recording their man snoring?

Even worse, a female friend of mine said she hadn't thought of that and she was going to do it the next time her boyfriend stayed over.

Maybe I should have just kept my big mouth shut.

I bet she's changed her number

Did you see the story of yer wan who slept with that bloke from One Direction?

It was a classic kiss-and-tell.

Australian waitress Courtney Webb was quick to run to the papers to complain about the treatment she received at the hands of Zayn Malik.

She claimed that he made her "feel special" but after they had sex he simply called her a cab.

It was straight from tabloid 101.

Her cries of wounded innocence were rather tempered by the fact it was just a one-night stand and by running to the papers she hardly came across as a damsel-in- distress.

But I bet she regrets her decision – the notoriously fanatical One D fans have bombarded her with death threats.

Then, to make matters worse, a friend of Malik's tweeted her phone number, which led to hundreds of phone calls within a few hours, with one American girl phoning her six times telling her she was coming to Britain to kill her.

Ah bless, don't you remember being young and devoted and prepared to kill anyone who messed with your favourite band?

Such youthful idealism . . .

Or maybe I'm missing the central point of the story . . .

Okay – now that's a man

Rather like the word 'genius', 'hero' is a grossly overused term.

But seldom has it been more appropriate than in the case of US army sergeant Brendan Marrocco (26), who had both arms and legs blown off in Iraq and this week he successfully emerged from a 13 hour operation to give him a double arm transplant.

He is now planning to take part in a hand-cycle marathon and as he said during that incredible televised press conference on Tuesday: "I have a lot of fun in my life, I never let it get me down."

So, you have both arms and legs blown off by an IED and you "have a lot of fun" in your life.

No jokes, no smarty pants one liners here – you sir, are a bloody amazing individual and a true inspiration.

When you consider those hideous personal injury ads on telly from ambulance chasing lawyers who will get you a few grand for stubbing your toe, Sgt Marrocco looks like he's from a different species.

Seriously, what a guy.

Irish Independent

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