Tuesday 21 May 2019

Truly, an inspiration to us all

Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller
Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

The level of discrimination against old people is at a crisis level. Well, that's what the cranky old codgers at Age Action Ireland would have us believe, as they continue their campaigns to make the rest of us show some respect to the wrinkly brigade.

But the best way to get us to take the duffers seriously is to prove that they can still compete with those of us who are of value to society.

And, stepping into that breach is 68-year-old Richard Blaylock, who has consistently proven that just because you're old doesn't mean you have to say you're sorry.

Blaylock is now registered as Britain's oldest burglar, after he was nabbed walking away from a house he had just done over.

Despite his protestations to the contrary, local rozzers apprehended him with a bag of burgling tools, including a crow bar, screwdrivers, a knife and, touchingly, a magnifying glass because he has poor eyesight.

When passing down sentence, the judge noted that Blaylock he had spent 43 years of his life in jail and has a record stretching back to 1943. He then referred to him as "an historic professional burglar".

His neighbours, however, have a rather less romantic term for his. As one of them put it: "He's a thieving old bugger. He's always getting into trouble."

Help the aged to help themselves?

SAY NO TO HIGH HEELS

It's bad enough that we are forced by law to allow women to work alongside us, but now it seems that they won't be allowed to wear high heels any more.

Here at the Indo, women are expected to dress prettily, act in a demure way and always be polite to their male superiors. Of course none of them pay a blind bit of notice to this rule (which ISpy itself introduced recently), but if unions in Britain get their way, women won't even be allowed to wear nice shoes.

The TUC -- the union, not the cracker -- have called for high heels to be banned from the workplace, and they cited some rubbish about them hurting women's feet or something. Frankly, I got bored and didn't read the whole piece.

But Irish women need to mobilise now to circumvent any local equivalent sanction on heels -- and let's be honest, there are people out there who are only happy when they are banning things.

After all, if you can't come to work looking pretty, how will you ever get a husband?

I'm only thinking of your best interests, of course.

WELL, WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER WATCH

According to conservative American pressure group, the Parents Television Council, prime-time television wants to destroy your family.

Yup, the group has just released a study which, they say, reveals television's concerted attempts to destroy the institution of marriage by spending more time depicting: "Outré or fringe sexual behaviour and pre-marital sex" as if it was normal, while not spending time depicting marriage in a realistic way.

And y'know what? They're right. But they are also missing the point.

After all, would you rather watch people having fun or would you rather watch a realistic depiction of marriage, which in ISpy's own experience would simply be an hour of two people sullenly chewing their food, pausing occasionally only to throw each other filthies and occasionally grumbling under their breath how the biggest regret of their life was ever setting eyes on you and that their mother was right all along?

THROWING A SPANIARD IN THE WORKS

The Spanish basketball team are coming under even more pressure to apologise for appearing in a team photo using their fingers to make their eyes look slanty, in honour of the fact that the games are being held in China.

In fact, the international Olympic Council -- an organisation that would never win a gold medal in the decency marathon -- has denounced the stunt, saying that: "It is inappropriate and offensive."

Sadly, their press release condemning the beating of journalists by Chinese police, the murder of dissidents and the strangulation of Tibet seems to have got lost in the post.

Stiller -- he hates 'tards

It's virtually impossible to make a movie without offending someone these days -- Mel Gibson annoyed the Jews with his hateful S&M porn flick, The Passion Of The Christ; The Da Vinci Code upset Christians everywhere and any movie Michael Moore makes offends anyone with a brain.

And now we can add comedian Ben Stiller to the list. His latest flick, Tropic Thunder, uses the word 'retard' and retarded groups are fuming.

According to American disability activists, the movie should be banned because: "That it is still permissible to use the 'R' word against a portion of our population who cannot defend themselves is incomprehensible."

In fact, they had planned a massive protest yesterday against the screening of the movie.

Sadly, because the protest was organised by an 'R' person, they all turned up at the wrong movie theatre.

Better luck next time, chaps.

Today's news headlines, directly to your inbox every morning.

Don't Miss