Save us from the Jewish rats
We all know that Israel is the root cause of all the world's ills.
In fact if the Jewish state had never been formed, we would have no problems in the Middle East, oil would be as cheap as water and Osama bin Laden would never have become a lunatic terrorist and would instead have pursued his first love -- caring for stray and abandoned kittens.
And it seems that there really is no end to the sneakiness of the Jews. In fact, according to two Palestinian newspapers, their mortal foe has come up with a new plan to dislocate Jerusalem's Arabs from the area -- through the medium of supernatural rats.
Yup, the fiendish Jews have been secretly breeding a new species of giant rodent which can even chase away Arab cats.
According to the reports, these rats are twice as big as yer average rat, they are ferociously aggressive, they like to attack Arab children and they breed four times more often than a normal rat.
The rats are apparently being introduced into the area by Jews "who bring them in huge cages and release them onto the streets to make living there a nightmare for Arabs".
Terrifyingly, the rats even know the difference between Jew and Arab and they leave the Jews alone while terrorising the Arabs.
Further proof, as if any were needed, that these Jews are just too sneaky for their own good.
That, or the fact that Palestinian newspapers are perhaps a little biased in their coverage.
KNIFE CRIME? IT'S BATMAN'S FAULT
The hype about the new Batman movie is understandable, given the death of Heath Ledger and the powerful performance he delivered.
But not everyone is a fan. According to columnist Allison Pearson, the flick merely glorifies violence, saying: "The day I went to see the film, I drove past the spot where Ben Kinsella had been stabbed to death. His killers may have thought they were cartoon masters of the universe meting out perverse justice ... No giant cape appeared in the sky."
Ah yes, if only Hollywood would stop making dark films, then teenagers all over the world would lay down their knives... Not.
WE SOLVE THE AIDS QUESTION
We know the West has been responsible for numerous atrocities against the Developing World and we should all be prepared to issue a collective and heart-felt apology for these crimes, such as slavery, colonialism... and foisting Bob Geldof onto them. Oh yeah, and America is responsible for developing Aids.
That's the considered view of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is hosting a conference of non-aligned nations in Tehran. Among other things, he claims that America's days are numbered, the West is about to collapse, America should be kicked out of the UN and the International Criminal Court is a disgrace for indicting Sudanese leader Omar al-Bashir for the trifling matter of genocide.
That, he said, was another example of: "The rich and powerful countries continuing to exercise an inordinate influence in determining the nature and direction of international relations."
So, the Yanks introduced Aids to Africa, the UN is to blame "for allowing the problem of Palestine" and anyone who condemns the genocide in Sudan is Islamophobic.
Interestingly, on that last point, Ahmadinejad is on the same page as the Galway Branch of the Socialist Workers party, who recently denounced criticism of Sudan, saying it merely perpetuates: "The Islamophobic view of Arabs as violent aggressors and the portrayal of Africans as victims."
If you want to hear more of the Galway SWP's views, they meet every Wednesday night -- in a phone box on Shop Street.
OH WELL, THAT'S A GOOD REASON
It is with a sad heart that ISpy must bring you the following news -- Rosemary Fritzl is divorcing her hubby.
Yup, after discovering in his diary that he raped her sister the outraged Austrian immediately reached for her divorce lawyer.
So, she stands by her man after he keeps their daughter locked in a cellar so he can rape her for 24 years but runs for the courts when he rapes her sister?
I'm guessing that they might have passed the point where couples' therapy would be of help ...
There's ONE RULE FOR THE RICH, EH?
The ongoing saga of Amy Winehouse has become perhaps the most tedious tabloid train wreck of recent times.
As her appalling father changes his story yet again about her latest overdose -- did she take the wrong medication? Was her drink spiked?
Yadda yadda yadda -- the waiting paparazzi were treated to yet more pictures of this emaciated skank passing out and being put into the back of an ambulance -- once more wasting the time of health professionals who would be better served trying to treat people who actually deserve it.
And how did she get to the hospital in record quick time?
Well, the junkie was accompanied by a police escort who rushed her through the lights.
So, you have a situation where despite being the most ostentatious addict in Britain, rather than being arrested, instead she has the local Rozzers actually work as an escort for her whenever she takes more than she can handle?
Although maybe some good will come from the visit -- doctors are believed to have insisted she was scrubbed clean in a chemical shower before any of them would risk putting their hands near her.