Thursday 23 January 2020

People – know your place!

Wayne Rooney
Wayne Rooney

Only a few years ago, we were seeing wistful, ruminative articles in the papers – mainly by stupid people with too much money – telling us that we had all lost the run of ourselves and it was time for a reality check.

Actually, we were told that this wasn't going to be an economic collapse, just a moral corrective to our profligate ways.

As the rest of the country realised that something really, really terrible was beginning to unfold, I remember one piece saying that it would actually be good for us if the whole house of cards came down.

This was because apparently the Irish don't deal well with prosperity; we had all become tacky and vulgar. My favourite single suggestion was, in an age of austerity, why not encourage your younger sister to borrow your wedding dress when she gets married rather spending thousands on a new one?

Well, even the most clueless, deluded and witless amoeba who thought that there might be any silver lining has now realised that trying to get this country back even to its knees, let alone its feet, is going to be about as easy – and as much fun – as trying to tie your shoelaces while riding a bike. Down a motorway.

The only way we're going to get out of this mess is if people get back working and earning. And that needs cash to be freed up.

So, having bailed out the banks, we were told there would be cash available for mortgages and start-up business loans.

Not so. In fact, while the banks were happy to take our money then, they don't want to give anyone loans.

It's the final insult to a country that is living on its knees – not only are we screwed for the next few generations, but we're also expected to pay the people who are screwing us.

At what point did we become embroiled in some abusive, sado-masochistic relationship with these institutions?

But here's the dried blade of grass that caused acute spinal trauma to a Dromedarian (my therapist says I need to try to avoid clunky metaphors, but it's an ongoing process), a couple had been turned down for a mortgage because . . . they had gone for an ultrascan and it was decided by the bank that if they had a child they wouldn't be able to meet the terms of their loan.

So, we have the nutters on the Pro-Life (not all of them, I know, but enough) side suggesting that psychologically vulnerable pregnant women will be 'encouraged' to go into a peri-natal hospice to see out their pregnancy; I've had members of what was then Youth Defence openly declare that it's right to physically stop women going to London for an abortion. In fact, they didn't even blink when I sarcastically suggested installing ultra-scan devices at every port and airport to stop someone leaving for an abortion.

And now we see banks noticing a bill for a foetal scan and deciding that the people weren't worth a mortgage.

I think I read a dystopian sci-fi novel that touched on things like this when I was younger.

I didn't think I'd actually live it.

Of course! That explains it

So, according to a new study from the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, men are becoming bastards (I think that was the scientific term they used) because they are being malignly influenced by advertising.

Apparently: "Young men are still learning appropriate gender behaviours and this can be influenced by advertising".

No. Really?

Further showing their awesome insight into the male brain the study's author, Megan Vokey, declares that ads targeted towards men tended to focus on: "Toughness, violence, dangerousness and callused attitudes towards women and sex."

Now, when you consider that some of the source advertisements they used came from gaming magazines, what were they expecting? All the bad guys in the new Grand Theft Auto V to sit around and discuss their feelings in an inclusive, non-aggressive and empathic way? Maybe with a drum circle thrown in?

Another one of the questions asked by Ms Vokey: "Is being extremely muscular important to men?"

No more important than being a size 0 for many women who read Cosmo, I would imagine.

Anyway, who cares what Megan Vokey has to say?

Shouldn't she be off making dinner for the family?

Damn, those ads finally got to me . . .

To the fourth wall and beyond!!!!!!

So, a production company has apparently received 75,000 applicants to appear on a new reality show – on Mars.

They plan on whittling them down to about 40 and then film them as they prepare to make their intrepid one-way journey to the red planet.

You have to admit, it is an undeniably ambitious, stunningly audacious and nigh on impossible plan.

On an entirely unrelated note, applicants for the Mars One Colony must pay up to $75 as an application fee.

Well, admin is very expensive these days.

And they call themselves fans

The last time Wayne Rooney (pictured) threatened to leave Utd, there were genuinely unpleasant scenes outside his house when gangs of Reds turned up angrily demanding you stay – or else.

Nobody deserves that, I'm sure you'll agree.

His family were intimidated and they had to hire security and now Rooney has done it again with the public announcement on Thursday that he wants out of Old Trafford.

So, we can expect to see more hordes of angry Mancs getting their pitchforks and flame torches ready for their march on his house?

Not quite.

One of the gang who went to the house the last time won't bother now because: "He's been rubbish this season. Let him f**k off."

Fair enough. There's not really an answer to that one, is there?

Irish Independent

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