Tuesday 11 December 2018

Now that's proper research

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

The hugely expensive UN report on climate change was released a few weeks ago and it caused panic among the kind of gullible fool who pays any attention to this pointless, wicked organisation.

And, in the report, we were informed that the polar caps are melting quicker than a woman in the presence of George Clooney, all the polar bears are about to die and we should all learn to swim because we're going to be living underwater in the next five years.

There is, however, just one teeny, tiny problem -- they got some of their material from Wikipedia.

According to the Drudge Report: "The graph indicating temperature for the past 1,000 years had been taken from Wikipedia, where it had been deposited by a non-climatologist. Now, it comes to light that the report features a photograph purporting to show Arctic icebergs melting when the actual image is of Antarctica."

Seriously, when the most powerful organisation in the world is cogging information from a website that once claimed Pat Kenny is famous for hosting a programme called 'Granny Bashing With Pat'; that your humble columnist was cheating on Derek Mooney with Joe McCall and that Mayo suffers from an infestation of werewolves, you know you're in trouble.

Although having been to Mayo, the werewolves thing seems kinda plausible.

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE

This column has been accused of dragging the reputation of the Irish Independent into the gutter. The country's biggest daily is not, ISpy has been informed, the proper forum for a 1,000 word column that concentrates on slagging people and making knob gags.

Yup, it's performance review time again and our editor is pissed off. So, in an effort to elevate our standards above the gutter, we have decided to bring some culture into your worthless, squalid little life.

OK, here goes. An Irish artist has a new exhibition and promises that: "With a background in music, Sarah's practice has been continuously questioning the relationship of sound to the object and the spatial experience of sound. While art and music have closely coincided for centuries, the boundaries between these fields are becoming increasingly ambiguous. In exploring the architectonic possibilities of sound in space, Sarah's installation and drawings give voice to an acoustic presence, challenging sculptural, architectural and perceptual definitions of space."

(Editor's note: Look, just stick with the knob gags from now on.)

LOOK LOVE, PUT THEM AWAY

This column made a mistake earlier this week when we claimed that there was nothing madder than a pregnant woman.

It was coarse, insulting, sexist and offensive. What we should have said was that there's nothing madder than a chick who is breast-feeding.

Exhibit A: Emily Gillette was flying with Delta Airlines and was breast-feeding her child.

When a mean, nasty, flight attendant asked her to cover up slightly -- not stop feeding the child, mind, just cover up a bit -- she refused.

And now she's suing the airline for $75,000, claiming the usual -- emotional distress, humiliation, discrimination yaddy yaddy ya.

But for once this column is on the woman's side.

After all, if you had the choice of some horrible little brat screaming its way through a flight or the mother nursing it quiet, which one would you go for?

Although her argument that it is a natural bodily function doesn't hold up -- so is going to the toilet, but if you stood up, unzipped your fly and peed against your seat you get arrested.

As this column discovered to its cost recently.

DVD TIME ... BOOK WORM

Revenge thrillers don't come quite as gripping as the Korean classic, Old Boy (2003).



When an average Joe is imprisoned for 15 years for no apparent reason, he spends his time plotting vengeance. Then, when he is just as mysteriously released, he gets to meet his captor -- only to discover that the previous 15 years were a cake walk in comparison to what is in store for him. Beautifully shot, Old Boy is visceral, powerful stuff.



Sample quote: "If by any chance Mido should find out the truth, you son of a bitch, I'm going to rip you limb from limb. And your remains will never be found. Why? Because I'm going to swallow every last bit."



BOOK WORM



It's 1964 and Germany is getting ready to celebrate Hitler's 75th birthday. Germany has won the war, and controls Europe. German cop Xavier March investigates the mysterious death of a high-ranking Nazi.



Alternative history has seldom been as brilliantly executed as Robert Harris's Fatherland (1992).

A proud day for Ireland

Sure, some people — all of them racist, obviously — have raised their eyebrows at Barack Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace prize.

Sure, those doubters have pointed out that he hasn’t actually done anything since he came to power and, in fact, his approval rating is now falling faster than Drogba in the box. But the fact that Obama won the prize certainly tells us one thing — you don’t need to actually do anything to win it.

However, those people who are carping about the award are missing one big point — this is great news for the witless simpletons of Moneygall who seem insistent on claiming Obama as one of their own.

No doubt we can expect a re-release of the emetic ‘There’s No One As Irish As Obama’ and street parties from the proles down there trying to bask in some distantly reflected glory. Interestingly, the Mayor of Ennis was the first to congratulate Moneygall, saying: “As the mayor of a town which produced the greatest boxer the world has ever seen, may I be the first to congratulate Moneygall on now having a Nobel prize winner as one of their own. Sure aren’t we a great little country altogether.”

Henry Kissinger was quick to add his congratulations: “Unlike me, Barack Obama did not have to be involved in an illegal war to win his prize. Oh wait, that’s not entirely true.”

Irish Independent

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