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Never mind the logic – just feel the smug

I tuned into the RTÉ news on Monday night expecting to see what remains my ultimate fear – Bryan Dobson appears on camera wearing an undertaker's suit and top hat, sadly informs us all that Ireland died peacefully in its sleep at some point during the night, while Eileen Dunne keens a plaintive lament just off camera.

Instead we were given a break from Ireland's current state of misery, for a nice change of pace the two lead items on our national broadcaster's main tea-time broadcast was instead focused on things such as . . . Malawi's maize crop being in a spot of bother.

Ah yes, the global warming, sorry, 'climate change' bandwagon had pointed its jet-fuelled arrogance, hubris and – natch – begging bowl in the direction of Dublin Castle.

In fact, only the Boston bombings knocked such an important event off the top of the running order for the nine bulletin.

But it was only when looking at the sheer self-satisfaction of the various people talking – Africa needs more money because it is too dry; Eskimos need more money because glaciers are melting, making it too wet. And everyone is starving.

So, we had dire warnings from Michael D Higgins and Eamon Gilmore about global hunger being "the gravest human rights concern facing mankind right now".

Fair enough.

Then we had someone from the Kenyan Climate Justice Women Champions who said we need to empower women to have a positive impact on the the weather . . . Or something. Frankly, the whole thing was such a laughable exercise in politically on-message hogwash, along with the usual soupçon of guilt thrown in as well, that it was impossible to take seriously.

And, did I mention that Man Bear Pig himself Al Gore (South Park fans will know what I'm talking about) also waltzed in to warn us that if starvation doesn't get us, then the climate will?

Now, let's take everything that was said on face value, shall we?

Okay, too many people in the world are hungry and that is a bad thing. The way out of hunger? Increased industrialised agriculture as well as a redistribution of the population. A massive, game-changing increase in the efficient production of food is the first step.

And what do you get with increased industrialisation?

Pollution. Lots of it. Dirty, grey clouds of carbon emissions covering the land.

So, you have a choice – want to feed the world? Fine, pollute the earth.

Polar bears and rainforests? Or starving black babies? Who do you save?

Although if they could somehow harness all the hot air that was generated in Dublin castle these past few days, all our energy woes would be gone forever.

It wasn't like that in my day. Thank God.

When I were a lad (why did I suddenly develop a Yorkshire accent when I said that?) we had various different ways of entertaining ourselves.

We just played football all day, unsuccessfully tried to rob apples from a nearby orchard and when we got older we played kiss'n'chase – a game I have still yet to master, it must be said.

But we live in different, some one would say, less innocent times.

So the divide between those who were born, say, on the cusp of the 1980s and those who were born as the '90s started is a pretty damn wide one.

And further proof of the strange habits of this emerging tribe is . . . condom snorting on YouTube.

Now, I know that since the Aids panic, condoms have become as commonplace an accessory as a wallet or your phone and that is a good thing.

But really – who on earth saw one of these things for the first time and wondered . . . how would that feel if I snorted it up one nostril and blew it out the other, all the while recording my heroic deed in digital Technicolour?

Interestingly, one of the teenage girls who appeared on camera doing the deed has hit back at her critics, saying in the usual incomprehensible gibberish: "All uhaterz keep on hatin."

No, love. Nobody hates you. They just think you might have better things to be doing with your time than shoving a johnny up your nose . . .

Um, I hardly think so

So now it's official – women are more intuitive and empathetic than men.

The news has caused quite a bit of consternation amongst some men who object to what they perceive as yet another attack on blokes

So, am I offended?

No. Because it's true.

Anyone who says the average man is as quick on the uptake with gestures and nuances as a woman is simply wrong.

But it's not all black and white (sorry, Afro-American and Caucasian).

Because when it comes to the supposed lack of male intuition, how is it that any time I meet any of my friends and one of them gets a call that makes them go pale and leave immediately – we all know that it was his other half on the phone?

We might be thick, but we can still detect a furious female from a hundred yards and know how to grovel appropriately.

That is probably our most valuable evolutionary tool of them all.

Honestly your honour – he started it

You may have seen the increasingly daft story of the Geordie thug who punched a horse during the trouble after their loss at home to Sunderland (well, you should have bloody seen it, mate. It was in this column yesterday).

Barry Rogerson has now defended his actions and was quick to pose for pictures with his dog, to show how much an animal lover he is.

No, he didn't do his best Mongo from Blazing Saddles impression out of sheer, Olympian stupidity.

Now, he says in mitigation for his actions, that: "It was an instant reaction. The horse just came towards me."

That's the problem with horses, you see. Always wandering the streets looking for a ruck.

And as for those horses working with the cops? Equine thugs in uniform, the lot of them.

Fight the power!

Margaret Thatcher's funeral went off smoother than expected (unless as soon as I file this piece London gets hit by a dirty bomb) and apart from a few boos and jeers things were tickety boo.

But I corpsed with laughter at the picture of two teenage girls who were holding a sign saying: "We are here for the people she killed through poverty..."

It was a perfectly legitimate peaceful protest that was marked by one thing – they covered their faces with scarves for the cameras.

Were they disguising their faces because they are hardcore anarchists bent on smashing the State? Or where they afraid that Mummy and Daddy would discover that they had skipped college?

Irish Independent