Wednesday 13 November 2019

Ian O'Doherty: What do we want? 'Um, we're not really sure

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

Saturday's march against public sector cuts in London was an instructive one.

On the one hand you had people who hold a legitimate beef with the British government on the issue of cuts.

And, inevitably, you also had the usual rag bag collection of hippies, anarchists, malcontents and those who were simply looking for a ruck.

It's always easy to spot them, of course, because they're the ones with their faces covered, although you just know that if a policeman tried to remove one of their balaclavas they'd immediately sue for police brutality.

And now, with 150 of them arrested, one of the leaders of protest group UK Uncut has been revealed -- much to his displeasure.

Is he one of those old, unreconstructed Commies who wept the day the Wall fell and has been waiting for this moment ever since?

Nope, not really, his name is Thom Costello with a First Class degree from Oxford who has also worked as a researcher on The South Bank Show.

Yeah, fight the power, brother . . .

Because the system has obviously done nothing for you in life.

You get what you deserve

In many ways you can't blame Michael Lowry for being the grubby, low-rent, no-class shyster that he is. It's just in his make-up.

Indeed, as they say in his part of the world: "What would you expect from a pig but a grunt?"

No, the people who hold the real burden of responsibility are the idiots who once again returned him to the Dáil, apparently as much out of the desire to stick it to the Dublin meeja than out of any great faith in the man himself.

And now it's all come back to haunt them with his assertion that he can't wait to meet Barack Obama when the Prez visits Moneygall, which is now part of his constituency.

According to Lowry: "I will be there as one of the area's democratically elected representatives."

So, one can imagine just how nervous the locals are at the thought of him making an eejit of himself.

And, in the spirit of international goodwill, can this column just proffer some advice to Mr Obama -- when you meet our beloved Michael Lowry, for God's sake make sure you're not carrying anything of value on your person.

Sure he'd have the wallet out of your pocket quicker than you can say 'Casino'.

Did you do your bit?

Further proving that hippies don't like football came last Saturday with the ridiculous decision to stage their fatuous 'Earth Hour' slap bang in the middle of the match.

And, rather than watch the game, we were all urged to turn off our electricity so we could show the world the value of making irritating, smug, pointless gestures.

But that's not to say that I didn't mark the occasion, oh no.

In fact, in honour of the occasion, I rooted the Christmas lights down from the attic and installed extra flashing lights to cover the outside of the house -- just to annoy the hippies living near me.

The organisers said it's still important to mark Earth Hour as it "reminds us of the dangers of global warming".

And they certainly have a point -- after all, anyone who was in this country during our eight month- long winter will remember the unseasonably balmy evenings, the trips to the beach and people bunking off work in November to have a barbecue at home with their mates.

Where's Simon Cowell when you need him?

As regular readers will know, I'm not a big fan of reality talent shows. They're not particularly real, most of the contestants aren't particularly talented and when you have a situation where a bad karaoke singer like Mary Byrne, who is as annoying as she is ubiquitous, being hailed as some kind of hero then you know you have entered the arena of the unwell.

But sometimes even columnists have to admit that they were wrong.

Because a new reality show in South Africa has attracted thousands of, ahem, entries.

And the reason? Well, the clue is in the title -- 'Porn Star'.

Thousands have applied for the competition which sees aspiring adult actors strutting their stuff and doing their thing in front of a panel of judges.

And it does offer one welcome relief from other reality shows -- you just know that you won't have to see any parents crying pathetically when their progeny gets kicked off for not being flexible enough.

Because that would just be weird.

All together now, bottoms up

We are all disabled these days. That would appear to be the view of the British government which has just been forced to admit that it paid out hundreds of millions of pounds to alcoholics and drug addicts who are too mashed to work.

They claim "alcoholism is a debilitating disease" which, as anyone who has ever seen the famous South Park episode will know, is a big pile of bull poopey.

Still, it does mean you can now bring cans of beer into your office and if the boss suggests that getting plastered on company time is against the rules, simply point out that you have a debilitating illness and he doesn't have the right to stop you administering self- medication . . .

Okay ladies -- form an orderly queue

A new fashion craze is hitting our shores soon. A revolutionary new anti-ageing face cream has been warmly embraced by women in South America and now it's due to hit European shops.

And it's made of snail slime.

Okay people, for the last time -- what sort of person sees a snail oozing its slimy way across the path in the back garden and thinks: "I know, I'm going to rub that bad boy all over my face. Sure you'd have to be mad not to do it!"

Irish Independent

Today's news headlines, directly to your inbox every morning.

Don't Miss