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Ian O'Doherty: Well, you have to feel for him

Poor Colm Doherty. He has become a hate figure for the thousands of ordinary AIB workers who are facing redundancy and, indeed, the rest of the country would quite like to string him up.

In fact, he has been portrayed as the face of the stupid greed that brought this country to its knees and the news that Doherty walks away from the debacle he created with €3m has enraged many people -- but not all.

When reporters went out to his one-acre mansion in Howth to get a comment they were accosted by a neighbour who said: "He deserves every penny he got. Why can't you leave this man alone? He is now out of a job like a lot of people. He does not deserve to be hounded by anybody."

Yes, I'm sure everyone else who is also out of a job will be quick to sympathise with their fellow unemployed man.

Although at least it allowed Gerry Adams to say in the Dáil that the payout was "an act of subversion" -- something he knows plenty about and an act of unintentional hilarity that even by his standards is quite remarkable.

Please, enough with the fan mail

You know how it is. You write an impossibly cool and sexy column that people love and you just have to get used to the adoration and compliments.

Like this one yesterday: "Dear F*ck-knuckle (as we call the likes of you in Australia). You have no right to breathe and one only wishes there was compulsory abortion in Ireland around the time you were conceived. Please die soon, that's all.

"That's all, John Gallagher."

So class, what have we learned from our good friend John?

Well, a) his use of the word 'please' shows he has good manners, something we could all learn from and b) his enthusiastic support for abortion shows that the pro-choice movement is alive and well in Australia.

And of course, c) we learned that only sad, deluded keyboard commandos send emails like that to complete strangers.

Weirdly enough, my brother-in-law is also called John Gallagher and, weirder still, he expresses those very same sentiments whenever we meet.

It really is a small world.

Well, that's one excuse ...

If you wanted to be overly generous, you could say that with parents like hers, Lindsay Lohan never really stood a chance. After all, her father is a convicted criminal while her mother is a fame-hungry witch who has lived out her failed dreams through her children.

But even though the sun is shining, I'm not really in the mood to be generous.

Having said that, her latest excuse to try to avoid her latest court appearance is an absolute doozy.

Lohan who, last we heard, had converted to Judaism to curry favour with her then girlfriend Samantha Ronson, has apparently come back to the flock.

Because her lawyers have told the court in LA that she would prefer not to attend the hearing -- because as a Catholic she feels it's inappropriate to do something like that on Good Friday.

She didn't seem too bothered about her faith when she appeared as a gun-toting nun in the movie Machete, but it's certainly an interesting idea.

So, boss, can I have tomorrow off please?

Sadly, unlike the fan mail from Australia, the boss's reply was thoroughly unprintable.

Aha! That was their plan all along

I knew there was something fishy about those supposed energy-saving light bulbs.

After all, why would anyone seriously want to swap our perfectly fine bulbs for those hideous, horribly wan, antiseptic things that make your sitting room look like an operating theatre?

Oh, it was to save the polar bears, then Minister for the Environment John Gormley told us, and if you didn't like them then you were worse than Hitler.

Now, however, it has emerged that the energy-saving bulbs contain cancer-causing chemicals and with prolonged exposure they will ultimately kill you.

So there you have it -- it's official that John Gormley wants to kill us all.

Actually, after the mullering the Greens got at the last election, I'd say most of them are harbouring homicidal thoughts towards the electorate.

Is this really a good idea?

The Great Escape is one of those classic movies about derring-do that would never be made today because it would be offensive to the Germans.

And the story of the real escape, which ultimately saw 50 recaptured prisoners of war executed by German soldiers following their doomed attempt to flee Stalag Luft III, is even more incredible.

But now a German veterans group has called on Polish authorities to put a plaque at the sight in memory of the German soldiers who were killed by the Russians when they were retreating from the camp.

The call has caused fury in Britain and Poland, with one Polish veteran calling the move "incredibly insensitive".

An incredibly insensitive German soldier?

Really, I find that rather hard to believe.

Irish Independent