Saturday 23 February 2019

Ian O'Doherty: Well, that's one way of keeping her

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

How do you keep a marriage going?

Do you just accept each other's differences and try to celebrate them?

Do you sublimate all your hatred, anger, rage, disappointment and (Ok, Ian, calm down -ed.)?

Or have you both worked out an unspoken pact that allows the two of you to get on with each other in a tolerable fashion?

On the other hand, you could take a leaf out of Arthur Schumacher's book.

The North Carolina native has an unusual way of celebrating his wedding anniversary -- he gave his other half a dollar for every day of their marriage.

And, seeing as it was their 49th anniversary, the total cost came to the rather princely sum of $17,885.

It seemed like a lovely gesture until he realised one thing -- he had forgotten to include leap years and he owes his wife another $12.

You can picture the scene -- "but honey, I just gave you 17 grand."

"I don't care! If you couldn't be bothered counting leap years you obviously don't care about me. I want a divorce."

Honestly, we can't win at times.

Hardly seems fair, does it?

Now, let's get a few things straight -- burning books is bad. Burning any book. Unless it's one of the Twilight ones, I suppose, and then we can make an exception to the rule.

That was why the mad pastor in Florida was on the wrong track when he wanted to burn the Koran -- particularly when he mentioned Nazis, given how fond of book-burning parties that shower were back in the day. And that didn't end up too well, did it?

So, I've no great sympathy for the actions of former British soldier Andrew Ryan, who has just been jailed for 70 days for burning a Koran in Carlisle.

Now, just as much as most of us will disagree with burning books, we'll probably also agree that sending someone to prison for setting fire to some paper is a bit extreme as well.

Ryan says he did because, as someone who had fought for queen and country, and as a proud English man, he was incensed to see Muslim protesters burning the poppy on Remembrance Day, which he holds as dear as they hold their holy book.

In fairness, one of those poppy-burnings bastards, sorry, protesters, was also arrested and ended up in court.

Where he was fined 50 quid.

Um, that seems like a rather disproportionate sentencing structure, don't you think?

Okay -- now I'm convinced

I'm not so much a climate-change sceptic as I am simply someone who is sceptical about the people who keep banging on about climate change.

After all, when you see that Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth has been exposed by climatologists as having more holes than Liverpool's defence (sorry, couldn't resist that one) and when you see the smug, sanctimonious piety of the kind of people who say that every time you start your car a baby seal dies, you kinda get sick of the whole thing.

And, then, last week, Gore compared climate-change activists to the civil-rights movement, which seemed like a slight overreaction.

But now I've decided to get on the climate-change bus -- thanks to Charles Manson.

Giving his first interview for 20 years, Charley says: "Our polar caps are melting because we're doing bad things to the atmosphere. If we don't put the green back on the planet and put the trees back that we've butchered, if we don't go to war with the problem . . . then we're dead."

Well, if Al Gore and Charles Manson are on the same page, who are we to argue with them?

Although I would pay a lot of money to see the look on Gore's face when he discovered who his latest celebrity supporter is.

Well, now we're on the same side

Lady Gaga is quite possibly the most irritating person on the planet. Sure, you have Gaddafi, Chavez, Mugabe and the like, but really, there's a special category for this limp Madonna wannabe.

Focusing on stupid stunts, even more stupid outfits and generally being a pain in the arse has somehow made her a massive star -- but not everyone's a fan.

Her latest song, 'Judas', sees her profess her love for the infamous figure. So far, so yawn.

But the Catholic Defence League has an interesting take on the matter.

Normally you'd expect them to do the whole outrage thing, but according to their president, the ultra-conservative Bill Donahue: "I find Gaga to be increasingly irrelevant. She thinks it's going to be groundbreaking. She is trying to rip off Christian idolatry to shore up her talentless, mundane and boring performances."

Of course, what Donahue didn't admit is that he is actually a massive Ke$ha fan, has 'Tik Tok' as his ringtone and is jealous of Gaga's success.

And while we're on the topic -- a female lapsed Catholic of Italian descent releasing a song that goes to the heart of the Church and is designed to offend?

Didn't Madonna do that with 'Like A Prayer' more than 40 years ago?

Aha! So that's the reason

How afraid of daleks are you? Frankly, like the rest of us, when I was younger and a dalek came on the telly I'd start to cry, hide behind the sofa and scream for Mummy to change the channel.

Well, I was only 25 at the time.

Now a scientist has come up with the real reason we're all freaked out by the psychotic pepper pots -- we're worried we could turn into them.

Apparently: "They are sexless, heartless brains, shut up in machines incapable of intimacy, who have forgotten what it means to laugh and no longer think of themselves as individuals."

Really? I was just worried they were going to exterminate me with their ray gun.

My bad.

Irish Independent

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