Sunday 21 April 2019

Ian O'Doherty: Well, that explains a lot

Any time you see that troglodyte Jackie Healy-Rae and his equally irritating offspring, Mini Me, it becomes clear why this country is in the state it is.

After all, the two of them look like the limit of their aspirations would be getting work as extras on Killinaskully -- although Pat Shortt would probably refuse to hire them on the basis that it would be like he was taking the piss out of culchies.

But, proving that there are enough toothless simpletons in Kerry to buy their boggish shtick, both of them have been elected to our national parliament -- a true disgrace.

Now, some of you may be able to cast your mind back to the dim and distant time of . . . 2007, when RTÉ ran one of their predictably atrocious summer reality shows, Celebrities Go Wild.

They weren't really celebrities and they certainly didn't go wild and, bizarrely, Mini Me, who wasn't even a TD at the time and was largely unknown, was the shock winner. The very shocking winner.

How on earth could someone who was residing in well deserved obscurity -- otherwise known as the Seanad -- win a competition that was voted on by the public?

Well, I'm not casting any aspersions or anything -- heaven forbid -- but it has now emerged that 3,300 of the votes he received came from one phone -- a phone in the Dáil where his father was a TD.

Attention immediately turned to Healy-Rae Senior, who said yesterday that: "There wouldn't be a hope in the earthly world that I would be in a position to make that number of calls."

Of course, we believe you -- after all, everyone knows that politicians in the Dáil do little else but vote for crappy reality shows.

TASTES LIKE ... CHICKEN?

I'll admit, I'm a reasonably adventurous eater, but after trying a worm in Zimbabwe a few years back I vowed never to put another insect or bug into my mouth ever again. It tasted bloody evil.

So, it was no great surprise when I saw the case of a German entrepreneur who has now been forced to close his business -- selling insects for human consumption.

Thomas Knack (36) says he has had to close down his shop because: "After a while the health inspections became a bit repetitive and a bit much. And there were always people asking questions."

Frankly, I would have thought that health inspections in a shop selling insects would be a doddle -- after all, if the inspectors found any cockroaches scuttling around the floor, you could just say you were letting them have some exercise before selling them.

But he does say: "I'll admit, they don't all taste good. But they're better if you mix them with rice or potatoes."

So, egg fried lice, anyone?

WHAT -- YOU MEAN THEY'RE NOT PREPARED?

So, what do you think of The Walking Dead?

Having first aired on satellite telly, it's been running on RTÉ for the last few weeks and has picked up a whole new bunch of fans. It's one of the best things seen on television for a long time and the fact that Frank Darabont is directing and using a lot of his regular actors from his big-screen adventures means the whole show has a wonderful, cinematic quality to it.

In fact, zombies are all the rage at the moment -- just ask one Dundee resident, Lee McCauley.

The man has become obsessed with the living dead until a scary thought hit him: had Dundee council drawn up a contingency plan should they ever be attacked by zombies?

He wrote to them, saying: "Having watched several films, it has become clear to me that preparation for such events is poor and one that the council must prepare for."

The council, to their credit, did actually bother to reply and told him: "Should evidence become available to suggest that these could be potential threats then we will consider augmenting our generic arrangements with specific plans."

It's obvious that Dublin City Council also has absolutely no plans to cope with a zombie invasion -- after all, a quick stroll down the boardwalk in Dublin city centre will show you that they're already here.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF US

Anyone who loves New York knows that strange things can happen in that magical city.

So I completely empathise with Dr Who assistant, the gorgeous Karen Gillan (pictured), who is suffering a bout of acute embarrassment this week.

Gillan was in New York for a week-long promotional tour in April and reports at the time said she was enjoying herself. And I mean really enjoying herself.

And yesterday it emerged the extent to which she let go.

A guest staying at the same hotel as Gillan was woken up at 7 in the morning -- by a drunk and, most importantly, naked Karen Gillan.

The guest was, as you can imagine, rather surprised to see Amy Pond, locked and wearing her birthday suit and quickly called security who helped her to her proper room.

Now, I doubt any of us can say, hand on heart, that we've never got hammered and then nakedly tried to get into someone else's hotel room, it's hardly the worst sin in the world.

Having said that, I simply don't believe this story.

In fact, the only way I will offer it any credence at all is if someone sends me photographic evidence that she was indeed in the buff.

After all, I am a professional journalist and I demand corroboration.

IT'S THE SPIRIT OF THE GAEL

I'll freely admit that I can't stand Gaelic football. As I get older I have certainly developed a huge appreciation for the skills involved in hurling, but the football code just leaves me cold.

And now it would appear that there are concrete reasons to avoid the sport.

That comes after it emerged earlier this week that a referee at a Tyrone game was left unconscious after being thumped by a spectator while a club official who went to his aid was promptly headbutted and soon joined the ref in unconsciousness.

So there ye have it -- bog ball is officially bad for your health.

Irish Independent

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