Ian O'Doherty: The best son in the world?
Let's be honest, we all have a weird relationship with our parents. For instance, when ISpy turned up at Mater's door on Christmas Day, the television inside was suddenly turned off, the lights were extinguished and after twenty of minutes of shouting 'yoo-hoo' through the letterbox, we heard what appeared to be a muffled shout of 'we're not in, sod off.' It's quite the mystery.
But no matter how tense your Christmas dinner with the family was, you can bet your bottom dollar that it wasn't as bad the one endured by Noel and Margaret Foreman and their son, Neil.
The pensioners had been assiduous savers for years and had finally built up a nice little retirement nest egg.
But what to do with £120,000 in the current climate?
Well, dutiful son Neil stepped up to the plate and offered to invest it for them -- before blowing the lot on a series of luxury holidays and expensive gifts to himself. Which was nice.
They are now suing their son to get the money back, plus some extra cash for the difficulty they went through.
So that would have been an interesting dinner conversation, mired in a legal quagmire surrounded by lawyers: "My client would like you to pass the salt."
"Your client can go stuff himself and get his own bloody salt."
"My client wishes you were dead" etc.
IT'S RACIST, INNIT?
If you really need a reason to hate terrorists, forget about the fact that they want to kill everyone they meet, just consider the fact that they have made travelling such an incredible pain in the cojones.
And now, after the Christmas day bomb plot, things are going to get a lot worse; there's a plan to introduce ethnic profiling at airports.
Pressure group Liberty has attacked the proposal, wittering that: "Any nods in the direction of ethnic profiling are dangerous, self-defeating and irresponsible." And you know what? They have a point.
After all, ask yourself this question -- when on a flight, would you prefer to sit beside a couple of Japanese pensioners or beside a bloke from the Middle East, mumbling to himself and fidgeting with his suspiciously bulging shirt?
And if you answered the latter, then you, sir, are a racist and worse than Hitler.
Shame on you.
THIS CHARMLESS PRINCE
It looks like Prince Philip has competition.
Pip the Greek, who effectively works as the Larry David of the Royal Family, normally has a monopoly on offending people, but it seems that even playing comedy royalty can lead to foot-in-mouth disease.
An actor playing Prince Charming caused outrage in the town of Lowesoft when he Twittered his opinion of the place: "What a shithole of a town. Everyone is pregnant. No Starbucks. Hoodies dominate the streets. Poo."
Lots of pregnant people, hoodies everywhere and poo?
Is he sure he's not talking about Dublin city centre? Oh wait, we have Starbucks.