Thursday 21 November 2019

Ian O'Doherty: That'll teach them

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

So, you know the drill.

You're a big-ass pirate and a mean dude and you rule the open seas. Well, the seas around Somalia, anyway.

The solution to the Somalian pirate situation would seem to be relatively simple -- send in the navy, destroy as many boats as you can find and then they'll think twice about coming back out and kidnapping and killing any more people.

But we live in more delicate times, if yesterday's events are any indication.

A British navy ship intercepted a pirate ship, which was using slave labour.

So, did they sink it? Did they arrest all of those that they hadn't already killed? Erm, not quite.

In fact, after receiving orders from base they fed the pirates halal meat -- religious sensitivity, don't you know -- gave them cigarettes and then provided them with a spare boat so they could get back to shore safely.

But what makes the whole thing even better is that rather than give one of the pirates some smokes, they had to find some Nicorette patches because he's trying to give up the fags.

Really -- you know that piracy ain't what it used to be when one of them is on a health kick and trying to stop smoking.

Blackbeard would be ashamed -- from an eye patch to a nicorette patch, how times change.

Oh no, say it ain't so

Really, just when you think you have faith in someone they go and ruin it all on you.

As regular readers will know, I'm a huge fan of Madonna. I love her style, her creativity, that strange English accent she affected when she was with Guy Ritchie and, most of all, her towering intellect.

Okay, that's a lie, I think she's a pretentious eejit whose only decent album, Ray Of Light, belongs more to the producer, Will Orbit, than it does to her.

But after spending the last few years extolling the virtues of bonkers Jewish cult Kabbalah, it would appear that she has had a change of heart.

So, now that she has lost faith in that particular brand of nuttiness, has she regained her senses?

Well, not quite.

In fact, reports coming out last weekend suggest that she has now developed a fascination for hardcore Catholic organisation Opus Dei.

Stay tuned next week when she becomes bored with that and decides to convert to Islam.

In fairness, she does have a face that was made for a Burka.

Now that's what you call sensitive

Anyone who has ever had the super fun happy time of travelling in a hearse on the way to a funeral will know that hearse drivers and undertakers tend to be a relatively sombre lot.

In fairness, when you spend your time dealing with grieving relatives and dressing up dead people you're probably expected to be a rather serious sort and while one undertaker I know has a rather wicked sense of humour, he would never, in fairness to him, be jocular with his clientele.

No, undertakers insist that proper decorum must be applied at all times and that the sanctity of the deceased is paramount.

Unless you happen to live, or to be more precise, die, in Tamworth, England.

A local funeral home in the town is currently in trouble after it emerged that three undertakers pulled into a supermarket and stopped for tea and cake -- while a body they were bringing to a funeral waited in the hearse outside.

People who were in the supermarket car park have spoken of the shock they felt when they saw the coffin in the back of the car while the three guys, dressed in full black funereal garb quaffed their tea and munched their cakes but, really, it's all been blown out of proportion.

After all, the guy in the back of the car wasn't in any hurry, was he?

Not so smug now, are we?

Is there a more ridiculous phrase than 'citizen journalist'?

It's a familar routine -- you get some activist with a camcorder and a broadband connection and every random thought they decide to spew on to the internet is then considered journalism.

Let's be honest -- it's not, it's simply the electronic equivalent of graffiti on a toilet door.

But it would seem that some bloggers are, indeed, revolting.

Liberal website Huffington Post is being sued in a class-action taken by some bloggers -- because they feel they should be paid.

The bloggers claim that even though they are volunteers and nobody actually commissioned what they have written, they should still be paid for their work because HuffPo, as it's known, has been bought over by AOL.

Okay lads -- what part of the word 'volunteer' don't you understand?

Okay -- include me out

Every now and then a press release lands on your desk that reminds you what an incredibly cool, glamorous and, dare I say it, sexy job journalism really is.

And here's one that came with an arresting intro: "Celtic warriors on horseback will ride from the National Wax Museum to Dail Eireann to hand in a parchment from Uisneach the Royal residence of the High Kings of Ireland announcing the iconic Festival of Fire."

Okay, if anyone can understand just what the hell that actually means, please send your answers on a postcard.

Irish Independent

Today's news headlines, directly to your inbox every morning.

Don't Miss