Thursday 22 August 2019

Ian O'Doherty: Sign us up. Sign us up now

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

It will surely come as a truly shocking surprise to anyone who reads this column that ISpy never went to college. This was due to a combination of factors, such as not bothering with the Leaving, already having a job and, most importantly, a loathing of students that would make even Paul Calf blush.

But like many people who didn't enjoy the benefits of a third level education, this column has often thought about going back as a very immature mature student.

And we have found the perfect course for us.

Starting in September, the University of Hertfordshire is offering a degree in vampire fiction.

Yup, you can now do an MA in Twilight.

And what would that require? Well, the Twilight module will see male students flouncing around the place like Robert Pattinson, being all moody and emo and pretending to be the whiniest vampire of all time, while female students get to study key elements of Kristen Stewart's character Bella, ie a moody, dreary little Goth who needs a good wash. Yup, sign us up.

THEY'RE BLACK, THEY CAN'T BE RACIST

According to that odious, crooked Swiss git Sepp Blatter, anyone who thinks that handing the World Cup to South Africa might not have been the smartest move in the world is automatically a racist.

According to his logic, anyone who has concerns about their safety at the event, which already looks like it could be the most violent tournament ever, is simply showing their inner feelings about black people.

It's the standard argument trotted out by idiots, of course, that any criticism of a non-white country automatically makes you a member of the KKK.

But following the murder of the buffoon Eugene Terre'Blanche, the ANC's more hardline members have really upped the ante.

The irony of Terre'Blanche's murder, of course, is that it makes his predictions about the future of South Africa look rather prophetic, rather than the fascist rantings of a twat, but as racial tensions continue to soar, and the ANC's youth leader Julius Malema continues to sing the charming 'Kill The Boer', the situation has escalated even further.

A Facebook page set up by Malema's supporters has promised some interesting plans for the tournament -- raping and killing white people.

According to the page, they promise that: "Every trespasser, namely white whores, we will rape them and kill them. White kids will be burned."

But don't criticise them -- that'd make you as much a racist as Terreblanche.

A WILLY IMPORTANT BUST ...

In these times of economic hardship -- seriously, if I have to write that freakin' phrase one more time I'm going to set fire to my eyeballs -- more people are turning to crime.

And, as a direct result of that, police forces everywhere now have to be even more vigilant than they normally are.

This means constant awareness and preparedness and the willingness to put their lives on the line to protect the rest of us.

And, of course, to arrest shop owners for the crime of putting a sculpture of a giant willy in their store.

The novelty shop in Yorkshire has a habit of stocking things of, well, of a novelty nature and owner Jason Hadlow thought the two-and-a-half foot work of art would make a good talking point -- until a passerby saw it, got a fit of the vapours and reported it to the police.

Cops then removed the offending phallus and fined Hadlow.

You know it's going to be a weird day when you're the cop who answers the 999 call: "So, ma'am, if I am hearing you correctly there is a giant Bertie Ahern in a shop window. And what's that, I can't quite hear you, do you want it removed or do you want to take it home?"

Irish Independent

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