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Ian O'Doherty: Old people today -- they don't got no respect

There comes a time in your life when you realise that, instead of being the angry young man of your youth, you're now just a grumpy old git.

And so it is for this reason that I can heartily endorse the latest survey from the Older People's Commission for the St Vincent de Paul.

They polled a bunch of over-60 wrinklies and the results were interesting, if not massively surprising.

Apparently, the respondents don't really like young people all that much.

In fact, according to the report, pensioners feel that: "The younger generation is more demanding than earlier generations, expecting iPods, phone upgrades, (mobile phone) credit and so on.

"They were of the opinion that the younger generation didn't understand the words 'you can't have'."

They then went on to complain that youngsters have no respect for their elders, are stupid, lazy and unproductive.

Honestly -- old people who don't like youngsters?

I can tell you one thing -- it wasn't like that in my day.

Um, are you sure about that?

There can be little doubt that MTV's Jersey Shore is a sign of the forthcoming apocalypse.

Also, because of Jersey Shore we have had a raft of copycats like TOWIE and Geordie Shore and here in Ireland TV3 have announced their version: Tallafornia (honestly, looking at TV3's winter line-up is like listening to Alan Partridge when he was desperately pitching ideas to the BBC controller. What's next from TV3? Inner City Sumo?).

In years to come, I am convinced that there will be no actual drama or scripted television, it'll just be wall-to-wall 'reality' shows as people compete to see who can be the most obnoxious and display the most 'attitude' -- 'attitude', of course, being a modern-day by-word for a violent lunatic.

And of all the people on Jersey Shore, the most annoying one is undoubtedly Snooki (pictured).

For those of you who have had the good fortune to have never seen the programme, Snooki is someone whose main talent revolves around getting absolutely smashed and then puking all over the place while wearing no clothes.

It seems a strange talent, I'll grant you that, but proving that there really is no justice, she has become rich and famous as a result.

And now the show has gone back to Italy -- much to the chagrin of many Italians.

Snooki went to church wearing her usual garb, ie not much, and the priest told her to cover up.

She wasn't happy with such temerity from a priest and said: "The priest was like 'cover up when you come to my church'. He basically just called me a whore."

Well, he didn't call her a whore, he just asked her to dress more modestly which is fair enough. But she then excelled herself by saying: "In my church they'd be like 'oh nice outfit'. I mean, God likes my tits. God made my tits."

In response, an angry God fumed: "How dare she be disrespectful of me, it's a bloody disgrace, mate. Anyway, I'm an ass man, everyone knows that."

That's a good use of their time

Have you ever had a bad haircut?

I got an absolutely disastrous one a few years back and I remember spending the entire process staring into the mirror with a growing sense of horror. I would have called a halt to the whole thing but frankly, I was intimidated to death by the hairdresser. I mean, she looked like she could use that scissors for means other than cutting hair.

No, these days I tend to place a bet with my mates -- that I can go and get my hair cut in the time it takes for a pint of Guinness to be ordered and settle.

It's probably not the most mature way to go about it but three or four times a year I'll just go into the barbers and simply instruct them to skin me with a Number 2 blade.

At least that saves the hassle endured by one man in Norway who got a haircut he didn't like last week. So he called the police.

The man refused to leave the salon and then demanded that they give him a cap to cover his embarrassing haircut.

They refused, so he called the cops -- who promptly started laughing and told him to feck off.

Honestly, what is the world coming to when you can't even ring 999 to report a crime against fashion?

Bloody disgrace, that's what it is.

Crazy Charley is at it again

Now, I'm no psychologist. I have absolutely no training in that area and frankly I haven't a bloody clue about what goes on in people's heads.

But despite my profound ignorance on such matters, I can tell you with great authority that Prince Charles is as mad as a fridge full of badgers.

And his latest pontification is further proof of my badly thought out theory.

According to him: "We are facing a sixth great extinction event."

Indeed, mankind itself could soon be extinct because, he says, overconsumption and greed and excessive travel using fossil fuels is harming Mother Earth and killing all the polar bears.

Fair enough -- so does that mean our hero is going to ditch his private jet, his fleet of gas- guzzling Range Rovers and his numerous houses?

Nope, I didn't think so either.

Here we go again

Frankly, given the time of year that's in it, the 9/11 conspiracy 'truthers' don't just seem deluded, they seem positively twisted.

Despite all the voluminous evidence to the contrary, they still believe in what has been categorically disproved -- in fact, when you think about it, they really are like members of a religious cult, immune to reason and logic and evidence.

And on indymedia ('where else?' I hear you cry) one poster has an interesting theory: ". . . the fake Muslim Al-Qaeda terrorists like Adam Gadam, who's real name is Adam Pearlman, who is not a Muslim but who is in fact Jewish . . . The second so-called Muslim 'Terrorist' who went by the name Yusuf Al Khattab is, surprise!, surprise!, in fact Jewish, who's real name is Joseph Coen, a New York City Taxi driver."

Damn those pesky Jews and their nefarious plans to take over the world!

Irish Independent