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Ian O'Doherty: Okay ladies -- form an orderly queue

As we know, women are now more liberated than ever before.

Indeed, according to a bloke I once met in a pub, sex dolls for women are one of the fastest-growing areas of the adult entertainment industry, and if a bloke in a pub tells me something then that's good enough for me. That's how professional I am.

And this carefully honed research was further strengthened yesterday with the news that a Charlie Sheen sex doll has just sold out.

According to manufacturers, the 'Crackhead Charlie' doll sold out in its first day and they are going to make more.

It costs 30 bucks and according to the description: "Just add air and this neurotic nut-job will show you his two and a half personalities, warlock fangs, fire-breathing fists and Adonis DNA."

It continues: "Don't be a foolish little troll, experience the bitchin' drug they call Charlie and let him rock your world."

Now, I'm a pretty liberal guy and I know many modern, young couples like to spice up their bedroom business.

But I have something of a suspicion that if you came home with that under your arm and said to the missus: "Come on luv, let's go upstairs, I have a Charlie Sheen love doll that calls you a troll," then there's a very good chance you'll sleeping in the shed for the foreseeable future.

Talk about having a God complex

I'm not a gadget person.

I wept when vinyl was replaced by CDs -- I still get misty-eyed at the memory -- and don't get me started on iPods, iPads and, frankly, anything that starts with an 'i'.

They seem to have contributed to the death of conversation. Well, they have in my house, where the missus spends her time on her iPad, looking up only to occasionally mutter: "Are you still here? Jesus, can't a guy take a hint?"

So, I would have a certain sense of sympathy for the Pope when he came out and said that people are placing too much trust in technology.

"While the great advances of technology have improved life for man," the Pope said, "they have also increased possibilities for evil, and recent natural disasters were a reminder, if any were needed, that mankind is not all-powerful."

Now, I'm not so sure that someone who spends all their time on the internet will have been completely amazed that a tsunami is bad for you, but he then continues by saying that: "People need to abandon the pride of wanting to be God."

Okay, class, what does that God do? Well, he has millions of followers around the world.

He makes up rules that these followers must follow or be kicked out of the flock and they must accept that his views are always perfect because he is infallible.

Which sounds a bit like . . . the Pope himself.

Funny, that.

Okay, a grovelling apology

As a frankly horrible human being, I've done some pretty reprehensible things in my time -- interviewing Michael Bolton, passing myself as a real journalist, that kind of thing.

And I went and outdid myself last Friday when I completely forgot my twin brother and sister's birthday.

To make matters worse, the brave little troopers even pretended not to care, saying that they went out for dinner and weren't expecting a call because I'm only an eejit anyway.

In fact, so desperate were they to protect my feelings that they told a courageous white lie by insisting, several times in fact, that they already had plans anyway, so they were happy not to have to patronise me for a half an hour on the phone.

Truly, their courage in the face of adversity is a lesson to us all.

Apologies to Dan and Kates -- reparations shall be made . . .

Have you nothing better to do?

Do you believe in angels? Are you one of those feeble-minded, sad sorts who thinks that despite the complete and utter lack of any scientific evidence whatsoever, that there is some celestial being sitting on your shoulder telling you what to do?

Well, while I can understand the burning wish some people might have that their bloody angel didn't stop them putting all their money into an exciting investment opportunity for apartments in Bulgaria but then that's not what they do, the lazy buggers. No, apparently the job of an angel is to make mad middle-aged women feel that they're special because Gabriel or whoever has decided to take them under their wing.

And further proof that people who believe in angels are completely hat-stand comes the news that belief in these things has soared in the last two years -- thanks to Jade Goody's belief in them.

In fact, according to a guy who has spent the two years since her death studying the phenomenon that was Jade, many people actually believe that she splits her time between heaven and visiting her kids back here on earth.

It's quite an amazing theory, but sadly, angel lovers, she was kicked out of heaven for racially abusing an Indian angel and telling Jesus that he didn't fackin' know nuffink did he?

The story also asks a serious and profound question about the nature of being human -- what sort of bloke wastes two years of his life studying Jade Goody? Weren't there enough freshly painted walls to stare at for a few years?

Possibly . . . the most stupid woman in the world

One of the problems faced by many conservative Americans who oppose Barack Obama's policies is that they are accused by people like Janeane Garofalo of being racist. It's a bloody stupid argument and a truly cynical one at that and this is an accusation that's often levelled at the Tea Party as well.

And Tea Party members who simply want quite reasonable things such as lower taxes, a closed border with Mexico and smaller government are fed up with it.

And then along comes Tea Party activist Marilyn Davenport, who has just given the Democrats the greatest present they have ever received -- she sent an email out of Obama as a chimpanzee posing with his chimpanzee parents, and said this was why they couldn't find a birth cert for him.

Seriously, given the fact that the Tea Party also completely opposes gun control, she'd better be careful at the next meeting.

Irish Independent