Saturday 25 January 2020

Ian O'Doherty: Oh no they don't (think, that is)

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

Are you a parent who believes in tight control over what your child is exposed to? Or, even better, are you the kind of person who thinks that Punch And Judy provides a dangerous influence to children and is therefore offensive and should be banned?

It's hard to believe that there could be people out there who are that uptight and, frankly, thick. But there are.

And, to cater for these idiots, a council in England has decided to make some changes to a local Punch And Judy show.

Punch's famous 'whacking stick' has now been removed and he is no longer allowed to whack Judy -- instead, he has been given a mop, which he uses to tickle her with instead.

Now, he no longer throws the baby out -- he puts it to bed instead -- and all other potentially 'offensive' scenes have been excised because, as a spokesman -- sorry, spokesperson -- for the council says: "Some people could be offended by some aspects of the traditional story."

Stay tuned for Snow White And The Seven Vertically Challenged Labourers and Hansel And Gretel, who get to stay with a lovely old-age pensioner who lives in a house made of health food which has been entirely cleansed of any trans fats or excess sugars.

Well, lock us all up ...

It may be the most civilised country in the region, but when it comes to generating bad publicity, Israel is well and truly in a league of its own.

In a move which has shocked every sane Israeli, a court in Jerusalem has jailed a Palestinian man for having sex with a Jewish woman.

It's not illegal for both sides to have sex, of course, but the court ruled that because Sabbar Kashur (30) told the unnamed woman that he was a Jew called 'Daniel' he had therefore 'committed rape by deception'.

The judge said that any man who claims to be something he is not in effort to obtain sex with a woman is guilty of committing rape.

So, any bloke telling porkies to get a shag is a rapist?

Seriously, they apply that law consistently and there won't be a straight bloke walking the streets, they'd all be in jail.

Come on lads, you can do better

Honestly, the standards of mad Muslim mullahs has really slipped of late.

Last week, the main Muslim cleric in Malaysia issued a fatwa calling for all Manchester United jerseys to be banned.

United's nickname is, of course, the Red Devils and there is an emblem of a devil holding a trident, and according to the cleric, any Malaysian in the football-mad country "is only promoting the devil. This is very dangerous. As a Muslim we should not worship the symbols of other religions or the devil".

Presumably the cleric is a bloody Liverpool fan, but this comes in the wake of a Saudi fatwa on breast-feeding and an Iranian one concerning men's haircuts.

Where have all the good old fatwas gone? Y'know the ones calling for the deaths of writers who insult Islam and that sort of thing?

Actually, my contract is up fairly soon, so if any of you lot want to put a fatwa on anyone, please put it on my head.

After all, it didn't do Salman Rushdie's career any harm.

Ah-nuld breaks the mould

Hollywood often resembles something like a rather posh country club -- all the major residents know each other and, with the exception of the occasional publicity drive feud, stars tend to try and stay on the right side of each other.

After all, would you publicly slate someone if it could possibly jeopardise earning a couple of million to appear in a movie with that person at some point down the road?

Yup, you only have to look at the massive amount of support Roman Polanski received from Hollywood's elite -- would they have been so supportive if it was a Catholic priest who had been accused of those crimes?

But in fairness to Arnold Schwarzenegger, he has always been someone who does things differently.

And now the Governator has stuck the boot into Mel Gibson.

Speaking at a press conference last Friday, he said that BP may have managed to contain the oil spill but "nobody has yet managed to contain Mel Gibson".

He then warned reporters to turn off their cell phones "because Mel could ring at any minute".

There's only two slight problems with his comments, no matter how funny they were -- a) he was speaking at a press conference about the biggest disaster to hit America since Katrina and b) Schwarzenegger was himself accused of serial groping of women on movie sets and simply shrugged it off with, "yes, I was rowdy on sets and did things I shouldn't have done".

Still -- anyone who makes Mad Mel's day any more difficult than it has to be gets ISpy's vote.

Ian Spied

DVD Time

Showing a Wild West that owes far more to Cormac McCarthy than traditional Hollywood portrayals of the era, Unforgiven (1992) is the Clint Eastwood flick that completely changed the way people looked at the West.

Eastwood is a retired gun slinger who is forced to come out of retirement following his wife's death when a bounty is put on a man who has been abusing the local prostitutes.

A brutal and stark evocation of the era, it features fine performances form the cast, particularly Eastwood and the always brilliant Gene Hackman.

Sample quote: "I've killed women and children. I've killed everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you done to Ned."

Book Worm

It opens with an execution in a concentration camp as the inmates, including the husband of one of them, are forced to watch as the commandant executes a bunch of women. But this concentration camp is not in the Reich -- it's in America.

That's the fascinating premise of Daniel Easterman's gripping K Is For Killing, which features a Nazi America.

Irish Independent

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