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Ian O'Doherty: Oh God Oh God Oh God

Okay, forgive the rather hyperbolic headline, but frankly I’ve been doing that weird kind of Homer Simpson dance where you just bounce excitedly from foot to foot for the last few days.

And the reason?

Well, boys and girls, tomorrow sees the arrival of Sky Atlantic.

I’ve been dreaming for years that we would get a feed from HBO and, despite several false promises, it just never happened.

And now with this deal, we get not just HBO (an admission of nerdy interest, I timed two holidays to the States to coincide with the HBO season premiere of their greatest ever show, OZ) but the best of FX as well.

Just think about it — we’ll get to see Boardwalk Empire, the prohibition drama lead by arguably the greatest character actor of his generation, Steve Buscemi, as well as David Simon’s follow-up to The Wire (that wasn’t a bad little show, you may have heard of it), Treme, the drama set in post-Katrina New Orleans that even features an entire episode written by the great Anthony Bourdain.

And how do I know that? Because he told me over pints, a point I seem to make with irritating smugness if the reaction of my mates is anything to go by.

But what’s even better about Sky Atlantic is that you scum who are on NTL and UPC won’t have access to it. In fact, Sky Atlantic has now created a new untermensch — those poor saps who don’t have access to what promises to be the greatest channel ever.

Already in the Indo newsroom there’s a strict demarcation between the haves and the havenots.

Don’t worry — we won’t rub it in too much. Well, maybe just a little…

No eggs need apply

Now, I’m well known as an animal lover, but some things take the biscuit.

A man in Cornwall has just opened a hotel for… chickens.

Yup, David Roberts has set up the new venture because he says chicken owners don’t have any options when they want to go on a break.

He adds: “At first, when we started this venture, people thought it was some sort of joke, but we were completely booked up over Christmas time and we hope that halfterm and Easter might be as successful.”

That’s a nice idea for sure but, sadly, in the wake of the recent controversy over the Cornish B&B who refused to allow a gay couple to stay, Mr Roberts has followed suit and insisted that no gay chickens will be allowed to stay in his place.

There’s something in Leviticus about fairy foul, apparently.

That’s a bit optimistic…

You know the drill. You’re out with your mates, you’re having a few pints and you’re not even looking to pull.

And then, in she comes through the door. The most beautiful woman you have ever seen, a vision of lovely sexiness.

To make matters even better, she seems to like you as well and then, to make things ever more scoretacular, she invites you back to hers.

So, you say cheerio to your mates, get your coat and… steal an entire condom machine.

That’s what Hungarian man Miklos Antal was caught trying to do in his local bar last week.

According to our hero: “I met this really hot girl so I decided to steal the machine.”

Well, you have to admire the guy’s confidence in his own stamina if nothing else, although I can’t imagine a bigger passion killer than bringing a guy back to your place and then he produces an entire Johnny box.

Um, sense of humour, anyone?

Let’s face it, we all know that Rush Limbaugh is a complete eejit, but he is currently the victim in a ridiculous row in the States.

Chinese President Hu Jintao was in America last week and Limbaugh, as is his wont, mimicked the guy’s accent. It’s hardly a hanging offence, but the vocal Chinese- American community immediately condemned him, with their spokesman saying: “We need to stand up for civility and be respectful of one another.”

Yup, they should be about as respectful as the Chinese are to the Tibetans…

Yup, they’ll be a good fit

Really, they truly are the gits who keep on giving.

The Richard Keys/Andy Gray story just won’t go away and, in fact, it just keeps getting funnier.

Having reached out to RTE for a gig — obviously ignorant of the fact that Johnny Giles ripped Andy Gray a new one in his brilliant Evening Herald column last week — it looks like the pair might have found a new home.

On Al Jazeera.

Initially I thought this was just a joke, akin to the one about Mel Gibson being lined up to replace Gray but no, this one is, if you’ll forgive the entirely inappropriate phrase given the network involved, kosher.

The pair flew to Doha on Friday to enter talks with the station, which recently bought the rights for the World Cup across the Middle East.

A spokesman for the station didn’t say that: “The views of Mr Gray and Mr Keys are a little too moderate for our tastes, but we hope we can bring them out of their shell. To celebrate their signing we have invited them to an inaugural stoning of a woman. Mr Gray personally requested that the women be dressed in a referee’s uniform rather than the traditional burka.”

DVD Time

He’s an unlikely action hero, but Owen Wilson proved he can pull off that kind of role in the greatBehind Enemy Lines (2001).

Loosely based on the true story of Timothy O’Grady, Wilson plays an American pilot shot down behind Serbian lines during the Balkans war. After witnessing atrocities, he is desperately hunted by the Serbs who know that if he gets back to the West, their crimes will exposed. A thoroughly enjoyable romp with an unapologetically rousing and patriotic finale.

Sample quote: “We each have our jobs. Now I'm a Marine. That means I do the serious work. You're a Navy Pilot. That means that you sit here and... eat jello.”