Tuesday 22 October 2019

Ian O'Doherty: Of course! That's the reason

You may remember the earthquake in Italy two years ago.

Now, seven geologists are facing trial for manslaughter after they issued a report a week before the quake saying that there was no immediate threat.

Despite a global petition signed by thousands of scientists demanding that the charges be dismissed, the courts are pressing ahead.

But they are barking up the wrong tree, as we all know what really causes earthquakes -- women wearing skimpy clothes.

That's the view of one Iranian cleric who said recently that: "Many women dress inappropriately, cause youths to go astray and incite extra-marital sex in society which increases earthquakes."

Now, your first instinct might be to dismiss that theory as the ravings of an eejit but just think about all the revelations about Silvio Berlusconi (pictured) and his bunga bunga parties featuring scantily clad women having extra-marital affairs and then there's an earthquake. It all makes sense now.

So you see that Iranian cleric was right all along.

Bet you feel bad for doubting him now, don't you?

A whingey Northerner writes . . .

I have said it before and I will happily say it again, the idea of having Martin McGuinness, a foreign terrorist who, at the very least -- and I mean the very least -- openly sanctioned murder and was complicit in turning Northern Ireland into a wasteland for 30 years, become President of the Republic of Ireland is a stomach-turning travesty.

And showing how Northerners aren't exactly renowned for their sense of irony, his attack on 'West Brit' elements of the Irish media was a bit rich when you consider that he's happy to take the Queen's shilling in his role as Deputy Minister in Stormont.

But it would appear that some of my remarks have annoyed our friends up in the United Kingdom.

One of them angrily wrote to me yesterday to say that despite the fact that he lives in the North, he does not consider himself 'foreign'. He went on to lambaste the 'Free State' media before asking would I consider Michael Collins a terrorist?

The answer to that? Absolutely I would.

He then pointed out: "Just a note to finish. Your so called Free State welcomes the largest terrorist in the world earlier this year and if I remember correctly you praised the Queen of England's visit."

So now the Queen of England is the biggest terrorist in the world?

McGuinness will be rather jealous when he hears that accolade going to someone else.

Wow -- it all makes sense now

The New World Order is over.

And the reason?

Well, this week saw the Weird 11 conference, a collection of conspiracy nuts in Swindon who believe that the US Government used holograms to pretend that planes crashed into the Towers, which is certainly an interesting theory.

And organiser, hospital porter Ben Emlyn-Jones (who refuses to reveal his name on the basis that he is a member of The Ageless Movement) says that all the evidence points to a government conspiracy.

It's the usual retarded old guff we have come to expect from Very Stupid People but he reckons he has knowledge because he is the founding member of Hospital Porters Against The New World Order.

Where did he get that idea, I wonder. Traffic Wardens Against The Illuminati? Park Keepers Against The Bilderbergs?

To Diageo and beyond

So what will you be doing tomorrow?

It is after all, Arthur's Day, the most cynical and lame-brained marketing exercise in Irish history.

A pathetic attempt to cash in on a brand that's not even Irish any more, I have one main problem with the whole thing.

It's not that it's such a fake, manufactured load of bull poopy.

It's not that it thoroughly cheapens an iconic brand.

It's not even that it has managed to fool some foreigners I know into thinking that Arthur's Day is actually Paddy's Day.

No, it's the fact that it brings out the amateur drinkers. Y'know the ones I mean; the sheep who think that just because someone in a marketing department says you should drink, then you dutifully obey and drink.

Indeed, I was talking -- well, giving out would be probably be a more accurate description -- about the whole fiasco to the barman in my local the other day when he told me that it was his favourite day of the year.

Why? Was it because of the increase in revenue?

No, he replied: "It's the one day of the year you don't come in."

Honestly, it's almost like he hates me or something.

And I have no idea why . . .

Now that's an interesting priority

During my school years I rather resented having to wear a uniform and I tried to flout the rules. Being rather thick, I usually got caught and then got into trouble at home.

But it seems not all parents are like that.

Geoff Wallwork of Bolton is aggrieved because his son's school has banned him from wearing a pony tail. The school says that they have a dress code and pony tails on boys isn't part of it.

In fact, as long as 11-year-old Connor continues to wear it he's not welcome in class.

Now, faced with your kid's education suffering over a piece of hair you'd think the father would just cut it off and get on with life, but oh no.

Instead, Geoff says: "It is his human right to wear a pony tail and they are breaching his human rights."

Now, maybe I'm wrong on this, but somehow I don't think that when the countries of the world gathered together in 1948 to enshrine the Universal Declaration of Human Rights they were thinking about a kid and his bloody pony tail . . .

Irish Independent

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