Monday 16 September 2019

Ian O'Doherty: Hooray! We're all saved!

Ian O'Doherty

Ian O'Doherty

Well, how are you feeling today? Are you feeling nice and rested because you had yesterday off? Or is your mind on weightier matters such as just how the hell you're going to pay your mortgage next month?

Or are you one of those noble types who lies awake at night thinking not of your personal finances but of the type of world you're going to leave for your children?

Well, if you are one those people -- hippies, to give them their technical term -- then rest assured, because salvation is at hand.

Yup, step forward (drum roll, please) . . . Prince Charles.

The Man Who Would Be King has just announced that he is here to save the day, saying: "I can only somehow imagine that I find myself being born into this position for a purpose. I don't want my grandchildren or yours to come along and say to me, 'why the hell didn't you come and do something about this? You knew what the problem was'."

And just what position was he born into again? Oh yeah --a position where he spends his life talking to plants, telling the world how Islam could save the environment and spending the rest of his spare time sticking pins into a voodoo doll of his Ma so he can get the top job.

Although I can see him pairing up with Al Gore to become the world's lamest pair of superheroes trying to save the world ...

We'll never forget wotsisname

The strange and squalid tale of Raoul Moat will be looked back on by historians in years to come who will scratch their heads at a society that made this violent, homicidal, misogynistic scumbag a folk icon.

The idea that people, particularly women (the piece of plankton who set up the Facebook tribute site to him was something that resembled, at least, a woman) could find anything attractive about him is baffling to the rest of us; but if anything it just goes to show how disenfranchised from wider society Britain's feral underclass really is. And they're also incredibly, impressively, thick.

Just take the case of Nathan Flynn, a criminal and former cell mate of the dead bouncer.

So moved was our hero by the sad demise of his former celly that he had a tattoo done in his honour.

It reads: "Raul Moat. Born 01.01.1973. Died 10.07.2010. Age 37."

And his response when somebody pointed out that not only had he spelled the name of his hero wrong, but also got his birthday wrong? "Bugger, I'm going to have to get that changed now."

Honestly, they just don't make criminals like they used to.

Now that's the right idea ...

This column has been accused in the past of being mean and nasty to those nice Muslims whose only sin is their desire to convert us at sword point to their faith.

But, fair is fair, and when they come up with a good idea then ISpy will be the first to applaud them.

So mucho kudos to both Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates for doing something we should seriously consider in this country -- they have brought in a complete ban on Blackberries and smart phones.

Critics say this is another example of two repressive societies clamping down on their young people, because Blackberries have become an increasingly popular way of boys and girls surreptitiously communicating with one another.

Nonsense, says ISpy -- just think of a world where you actually get to talk to somebody without them constantly peering into the narcotic screen of their phone, texting people or updating their Face Space and My Book pages.

Ah, the bliss, the joy of actually sitting down in your local pub and having a few beers with your mates without one of them constantly updating his online presence through his Blackberry.

Oh wait; they don't have pubs in either country.

Oh well, it was a nice idea while it lasted ...

Come on, feel the noise

Now, it's not like the Germans to go into another country and start pushing the locals around, but that's exactly the scenario we currently face in Donnybrook.

The German ambassador is angry -- and you just know you wouldn't like him when he is angry -- at RTE soap Fair City.

Is he irritated by the flimsy plot lines? Does the lack of proper character development offend his sense of Teutonic efficiency? Does he want them to start putting it into subtitles so he won't miss any of the nuances in the script?

Um, not exactly.

Busso von Alvensleben has filed a formal complaint with Dublin City Council about the noise pollution coming from the Fair City set, which is adjacent to his residence.

In fact, the Germans claim that they were forced to ring Donnybrook Garda station to complain about construction being conducted on the set at 1.30am.

This is where their case falls apart -- somebody working in RTE at half one in the morning?

That's never going to happen.

Ian Spied

Logging on

Viral internet videos tend to be a complete pain in the arse. But some of them are truly brilliant. Go on to YouTube and type in 'spitting ibex'.

The clip sees a journalist trying to talk to an ibex, one of those weird llama-type creatures, and getting more than he bargained for.

Never has an animal looked more well and truly pissed off than in this clip; it really is brilliant.

DVD Time

Pushing the boundaries as far as regular network TV as opposed to HBO, The Shield is one of the best police dramas of recent years. Michael Chiklis is terrifyingly compelling as Vic Mackey, an LA cop who stands with both feet on different sides of the line. Brutal and unforgiving, it's also surprisingly funny in parts.

Sample quote: "If my tone sounds superior it's because I'm American and you're Greek."

Irish Independent

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