| 4.8°C Dublin

Ian O'Doherty: Go away. Go away now

If you listen to all the people who have crawled out of the woodwork to talk about Gerry Ryan, you would imagine that RTE is not so much a broadcaster but a massive drugs den.

The nonsense and ignorant bull poopy spoken about the whole situation has been unseemly in the extreme and reached its peak with the farcical demand that RTE staff should face random drug tests.

It's the kind of rubbish spoken by people who have no understanding of drugs or how they work and think that a joint is as bad as a bag of smack.

But . . . maybe they have a point.

I say that because, while watching Fade Street the other night (well, the wife watched it, I just sat on the couch, screaming, swearing and shouting at the telly) what makes the whole thing even worse is that the people involved in commissioning this dreck don't even have the excuse that they were completely spazzed off their faces when they signed it up.

Think about it -- the country is going through the worst crisis since Independence, and here we have four gormless, charmless, self-obsessed, boring morons running around pretending they're in The Hills.

But it gets worse -- a breathless press release came in yesterday saying: "The Sycamore welcomes its first celebrity guest DJ this year -- Cici Cavanagh. Cici is one of the main stars of RTE 2's reality drama, Fade Street."

Celebrity? Star?

Really, the people responsible for using those words in relation to that idiot should be prosecuted under the trading standards act.

YUP, THAT WILL WORK

So, are you gay or straight?

One of the daftest assertions made by those with an anti-homosexual agenda (I've been accused of being homophobic myself; nothing could be further from the truth, but I reserve the right to take the piss out of gay people just as much as straight ones) is that they have somehow 'chosen' to be like that.

Now, frankly, the idea that you would choose to live a life that frequently means you're set apart from your family, your classmates and your former friends has always struck me as an odd one.

Why would you want to cause hassle for yourself?

And now a psychotherapist in England is looking at being struck off after she was exposed by a gay activist offering courses where she can change gay people into straight ones.

When asked by the activist whether she thought homosexuality was a mental illness, an addiction or an anti-religious phenomenon, she decided to go the whole hog and replied: "It's all of that."

Now, I know plenty of gay people who would, indeed, be rather anti-religious but ask yourself this -- would you sleep with someone of the same sex just because you don't like religion?

It seems a rather strange way to make a protest when you think about it.

But she does have one interesting point: "We say everybody is heterosexual but some people have a homosexual problem. Nobody is born gay. It is environmental; it is in the upbringing."

And that begs the question -- if that's the case, how come there are plenty of families where all the siblings are straight bar one?

They all had the same upbringing, after all.

SO, ARE YOU ANGRY YET?

The similarities between Fianna Fail and the Roman Catholic Church are quite remarkable.

Both were two immense pillars of this State who were able to wield a hugely unhealthy degree of influence over our country.

And, thankfully, now both of them are thoroughly discredited and, with the exception of a loyal rump who will happily follow both bodies into Hell, they are despised by the ordinary people of Ireland for the crimes they have committed against us.

In Mick Peelo's excellent Would You Believe on Monday night, we learned even more about the disgusting behaviour of the church in relation to the rape of children by priests.

And we learned definitively, thanks to an official Vatican document, that not only did the church turn a blind eye to the perverts in their employ but they actively forced bishops to withhold information from the cops.

That's a bit like a swimming coach not telling the cops that one of his colleagues was molesting kids because he didn't want to give the swimming club a bad name.

It's interesting that this revelation comes at the same time as the infantile process of making John Paul II a saint.

Well, seeing as this illegal and disgraceful order came under his watch, the victims would surely like to see him made the Patron Saint Of Paedophile Protection Rings.

OKAY, THEY HAVE SOME GOOD IDEAS

Iran is a rather odd country. Traditionally the most cultured state in the region, it has been hijacked by mad mullahs who would actually be hilarious if they weren't so bloody dangerous.

But, like a stopped clock, they are occasionally right.

And their latest suggestion is a doozy -- they have banned Valentine's Day.

According to one leader: "Honouring foreign celebrations is the spread of Western culture. Our country has an ancient civilisation and various days to honour kindness, love and affection."

Indeed, Valentine's Day is nothing but a load of old rot and I frankly refuse to celebrate it.

The missus went mental last year when I didn't buy a card or a present, because I wouldn't be made a slave by Hallmark and other commercial organisations.

When she pointed out that I was just being a dick about the whole thing, I replied that, frankly, when you live with me, every day is Valentine's Day.

The wounds are beginning to heal now, thankfully.

DVD TIME

Like most people of my age who grew up towards the end of the Cold War, I can still remember the fear that the Big One would kick off. And those fears weren't helped by a whole slew of movies dedicated to the topic. One of the most overlooked is By Dawn's Early Light (1990), which sees the great Powers Booth as captain of a US bomber on a mission to bomb Russia.

But the initial Russian attack has fizzled out and the President, who had been presumed dead, desperately tries to stop any further escalation of the conflict -- something the crew are unaware of.

The fear and claustrophobia in the cabin as the crew realise this is a one-way mission is palpable and, really, this is a great popcorn flick.

Interestingly, Booth also played an air force pilot in that great piece of 80s hokum, Red Dawn.

Sample quote: "Hell, most Soviet bombers are so old they still use propellers. The Minnesota Air National Guard could probably knock them down."

Irish Independent