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Ian O'Doherty: Aha! So that explains it

One of the most interesting meteorological phenomena of the last week was undoubtedly the brief flurry of thunder and lightning in the middle of a snow storm.

It was a bizarre and, frankly, rather unsettling experience.

So was it global warming? Or was it global cooling? It seems so hard to tell these days.

But no, it transpires it was none of the above. It was, in fact, proof that The Second Coming -- the return of Jesus, not the frankly disappointing Stone Roses comeback album -- is imminent. And it's going to happen in Ireland.

According to a rather excited press release we received: "January 6th also saw extreme Thunder and Lightning in Dublin city which scared many people.

"Although those in darkness laugh it did not surprise many in the know because yesterday was what we call the Epiphany and one of the signs of same is extreme weather coupled with lighting of the sky."

It goes on to say: "What you are about to read you may scoff at and laugh but it is all fact and as media outlets your job is to deliver the news. The people of Ireland have a right to know the news. I shall give you the details, what you do with them is your own business but continuing to ignore this will just result in more severe weather amongst other things . . . The prophecies of Malachy predict the Second Coming would happen in Ireland and would occur after a Pilgrim Pope visited our country."

In fairness, there is scriptural evidence for this: "And lo He did return and walked down O'Connell Street in the frost and the ice.

"And verily he avoided the chuggers and the knackers and yea he did smite the pyjama zombies. But when the throng saw that he did not slip once, even though he wearing but sandals upon his bare feet they did cry 'Truly he is the son of God'."

HM, WE SEE A SLIGHT PROBLEM HERE

As Britain becomes even more bonkers by the day -- Myleene Klass being reprimanded by police for holding a knife in her own home at two potential burglars being the latest example -- it is actually quite amusing to see the PC brigade tie themselves up in knots.

And now a Parliamentary committee has decided that it is time to force gender and ethnic quotas on any party competing in a general election.

They say that: "Parliament is too white, middle class, heterosexual, male and able-bodied" and obviously such scourges as being a white male must be eradicated at all costs.

And while it would indeed be fun to see the BNP being legally forced to have a black, lesbian, Muslim paraplegic standing for election, the committee may have shot themselves in the foot.

Because, as they point out, Britain has "just 20pc of women MPs, compared to 56pc in Rwanda".

Look, lads -- sorry, ladies or whatever it is that we're meant to call you these days -- using Rwanda, the location of the worst genocide since the end of the Second World War is probably not the best place to convince the electorate that you need to emulate.

IT'S THE WAY OF THE FUTURE ...

Meanwhile in 'eewwww' news, the world's first functioning sex-bot has been produced.

Surprisingly, it hasn't been invented by the Japanese, who have tended to show something of a predilection for these things, but by an American porn company.

According to the manufacturers: "She has five different personalities . . . but she can't vacuum and she can't cook."

Multiple personalities and a staunch refusal to cook or clean?

Wow, that really is a scarily realistic woman.

Irish Independent