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Ian O'Doherty: Ah, the gender card

Achieving the truly remarkable feat of being even worse then her previous efforts, Katherine Lynch's latest RTE fiasco, Single Ladies, is a truly jaw droppingly awful piece of work.

But despite the entirely justified criticism of this drek, Lynch has come out defending herself against a Facebook site that is campaigning to have her removed from our screens forever.

In fact, according to the woman who is roughly as funny as being kicked repeatedly in the groin: "I never went out to get intellectually reviewed. I'm tired of people being negative. I work hard."

And, employing the philistine's cry, she whinges: "If you don't like it, put on a documentary."

But she trumps even that moronic comment with the classic defence call of every crap Irish woman comedian when she says on her own Facebook page that: "People are particularly negative about female comediennes."

Of course they are -- after all, poor old Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman, and numerous other women can't get a break, can they?

Oh wait, they can -- but then they have an important advantage over someone like Lynch: they're funny.

AND DID THOSE FEET IN RECESS TIME DO DETENTION?

Really, children are horrible, aren't they?

So it must be particularly tough trying to teach a class full of dribbling, unruly simpletons who have no sense of boundaries or personal accountability.

But kudos to one particularly inventive head teacher in England who has come up with the ultimate deterrent for bad behaviour in his Derbyshire school -- culture and the arts.

Yup, kids who get sent to detention in West Park School spend two hours copying out the words of Blake's superlative Jerusalem while being forced to listen to the likes of Mozart, Beethoven and Bach.

Incredibly, the little oiks are so freaked out by being exposed to high culture that bad behaviour has dropped by more than half as they would rather be well behaved than have to listen to a bit of the Johann Sebastian.

It shows how far society has fallen -- even Alex from A Clockwork Orange adored what he called "a bit of the old Ludwig Van."

AW, POOR ICKLE JAMIE IS SAD

It's hard to know what to make of Jamie Oliver. On the face of it, he appears to be a genuine enough sort of chap, but he has become such a rapacious media whore that it seems impossible to turn on the telly without his gurning fat-tongued face lurching out of the screen at you.

Jamie's School Dinners saw government ministers queuing up to be part of his crusade to make the meals healthier, but it would appear that Americans aren't quite as accommodating.

Oliver is currently in the most obese town in America, Huntington, West Virginia, where more than half the population are fat bastards.

But it would appear that they seem unwilling to forego the famously large American portion sizes.

According to a local radio presenter, he didn't want some Limey sumbitch: "Telling us to sit around all day eating lettuce."

Another critic complained: "We just don't understand him" and Oliver was reduced to tears by the negative reaction.

That's a common problem, in fairness. After all, can you really blame a bunch of red necks having trouble understanding some Mockney geezer coming into their mall and talking about how every lovely jubbly geezer should be cooking this pukka nosh?

Irish Independent