Bryan Dobson vs the Magnificent Seven
To read the reports over the last few days, one could be forgiven for thinking that Montrose management have started to put some weird mix of crystal meth and steroids into the water – all the better to make the presenters feistier. How else could you possibly explain Bryan Dobson's astonishing performance on the Six One News last November, when an interview he was conducting with economist Ronan Lyons was interrupted by some protesters?
Who can forget the normally unflappable news anchor's response? Who can forget the sight of him angrily ripping his shirt off and throwing it to the studio floor while shouting: "You want some, do you? Come and have your go if yis think yis are hard enough. I'll bleedin' batter the lot of ya", while Sharon Ní Bheoláin, desperately tried to hold him back, struggling to maintain her pyjama decorum as she screamed: "Leave it Dobbo, he's not worth it, he's only a bleedin' doort bag, so he is."
Ah yes, things sure have changed here in Montrose Mountain, where we now see news presenters adopting the interesting journalistic device of challenging guests to a fight.
There's only one problem with this undeniably enticing prospect – it never happened. Instead, we saw an example of Dobson's professionalism and visible irritation with the distraction, and only nutters would think he did anything wrong.
In fact, it was a simple case of a few lookey-loos interrupting a live interview to get their face on camera. It's an occupational hazard and the world of American news channels, in particular, have entire blooper reels dedicated to pissed-off TV reporters who had enough of punters ruining their shot and lamping them.
Even closer to home, barely a week goes by on Sky News without some live broadcast bring gatecrashed by the kind of comedic genius who thinks the best way to get his giggles is to make the universal wanker sign over someone's head.
These fools are usually given suitably short shrift by whoever is back in studio helming the discussion. In Dobson's case, he realised that the interview was becoming more difficult than the actual guest deserved and he signed off, using the word "idiots". Nothing to see here, move along.
That, you might think, would be that – a marginally more interesting conclusion than the average viewer may have reasonably expected, but hardly the end of the world.
Of course, I keep forgetting that this is Ireland 2014, a land where furious, impotent, unfocused anger and excess mental energy is usually completely wasted on items so ridiculous that only someone with the common sense of a cabbage – if that's not offensive to the market garden community in north county Dublin – could possibly be bothered.
But seven people were so shocked and horrified and distressed by what they saw that they immediately grabbed their Rolodex and speed-dialled the Broadcast Authority of Ireland to register their dismay.
That's bad enough, but hardly surprising. After all, we have become positively American in our zeal to drop the dime on anybody who annoys us and everyone's quick to go running to whatever irrelevant regulatory authority is meant to have a say.
Let's put it this way, the last upheld complaint about me to Press Ombudsman was filed by someone who described himself as an 'anarchist' on his home page. Presumably he wants to smash the State, but not before he runs to a State watchdog to complain – and they say anarchists don't do irony. Or was that the Yanks?
But, as the BAI rejected the complaints against Dobson, the sound and the fury erupted online and now we're expected to believe that, as one person put it: "Hundreds of Irish citizens were imprisoned last year for failing to contribute to this parasite's handsome salary."
In fairness, on that score, the mob is correct.
Indeed, the last time I checked, Dobson had personally sent 122 people to Van Diemen's Land for failing to pay him suitable tithes.
In the meantime, back in the real world, I shall just cherish the image of a shirtless Dobbo – probably with a tattoo of Brian O'Driscoll on his bicep, 'cos he's classy, like – wandering along Morehampton Road asking random punters if they want their go.
You know it makes sense.
BUT IT'S A BASTION OF DEMOCRACY?
If you listen to most of the trendies around town, they'll try to convince you that Venezuela is a shining example of Latin American independence and defiance. Which indeed it is, as long as you are willing to overlook the food shortages, riots and the unfortunate tendency of the State security services, the Sebin, to shoot into crowds of protesters.
But it seems that such tough measures are justified, because the latest Yanqui Imperialist Pig Dog plot to destabilise the region comes in the form of newspaper crosswords that feature both clues and answers that contain "subversive messages" and that "incite the people to violence".
I was about to dismiss the idea as more rantings from a regime that has lost the plot, but then I thought back to... Sudoku.
I tried that bloody thing once and absolutely wrecked the gaff out of a sense of violent frustration at my complete inability to complete one line of it.
So, yeah, I can see how crosswords might lead to the same reaction.
AND IF IT'S NOT CROSSWORDS, IT'S DOLPHINS
Further proof that dolphins are bastards – the aquatic tarts who worked for Ukrainian navy have switched sides and from now on will answer to the Russians. I've been saying it for years and people just look at me like I'm mad as they slowly back away – but dolphins cannot be trusted.
All those lovely pictures of them grinning and smiling at people? They're laughing at us, not with us.
And now they've proven themselves to be the splitters I always suspected them to be.
You wouldn't get a great white behaving like that, that's for bloody sure...