Tuesday 21 May 2019

All hail the... tree

We really are a strange little country. Readers of a certain age may remember the hilarious hysteria caused down in Ballinspittle in the 1980s, when a bunch of gullible fools managed to convince themselves that a statue of the Virgin Mary had taken to dancing for them.

Now, fast forward a few decades and what do we have? We have people worshipping a bloody tree.

Mad people have come from all corners of the country to congregate in Rathkeale and worship at the stump of a tree which, they believe, depicts an image of Mary.

According to one eye-witness: "One of the lads said 'look, there's the Virgin Mary.' Immediately, another one of the lads knelt down, blessed himself and started praying."

When contacted for a comment, the Virgin Mary angrily replied: "Actually, I'm appearing on the back of a taco in Mexico at the moment, and then I'm due to appear on a cheese sandwich in San Francisco.

"And I still haven't been paid for my residency in Ballinspittle 24 years ago, so they're having a laugh if they think I'm appearing in a tree for nothing, I can tell you."

BLASPEHMOUS RUMOURS, ANYONE?

So, we're now officially the most religiously deranged country in the civilised world.

Now that blasphemous libel has been introduced to the statue books, it will be a crime to have a pop at religions.

So, here we go -- Catholicism is a cannibal cult which eats its leader, Jews who believe that God wants them to settle in the Holy Land are deranged lunatics, Muslims who wants to install Islamic law are nothing but fascist terrorists and Scientologists are nothing but a bunch of brainwashed weirdos who have been suckered by the malicious rantings of a failed science-fiction writer.

Alright lads, I'll see you in court.

IT'S HIS YUMAN RITES, INNIT

And so we move on to the strange case of Peter Ivan Dunne, who has lost his appeal to be extradited from Britain to Ireland because he says Irish prisons would feed him red onions.

Why anyone would have a problem with red onions is a mystery, but Dunne, who was convicted in Kilkenny of raping a mentally impaired woman, fled the jurisdiction.

And now we want him back.

He even claimed that sending him back here would be in breach of Article 2 of the European Convention of Human Rights which "guarantees right to life."

Dunne, who is a convert to Judaism, says he has received no guarantees that he would receive an onion-free kosher diet and that, in his previous stays in Irish jails, prison officers would make religiously offensive jokes, belittle Judaism and, on one occasion, these heartless bastards allegedly ordered him to eat pork.

Well, there's a very simple way around this -- there are no red onions or pork products in a diet of stale bread and water, so why don't they just feed him that?

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