Tuesday 24 April 2018

A disposable guide to a disposable day...

Mrs Brown
Mrs Brown

Today is Law Nayve LuForrig – or whatever the correct Irish spelling is – and that means we celebrate our national day with traditional Irish pursuits that have made us the most popular little country in the world.

Given that this is a Christian occasion, it would have been fitting to pay a visit to your local church. Since, however, half the churches in the country have been burgled in the last two weeks, they're all closed. But that doesn't matter, the sacrament of oblivion can be obtained from any off-licence.

Due to some unfortunate, intolerant attitudes, these shrines are often forced to open late, so a real Irish person will have stocked up yesterday. Because nobody wants to wake up on this treasured morning and drink coffee. No, if you are going to brave the icy winds of the parade, you need to be fortified. So maybe you should immediately start drinking vodka. After all, you can now buy a litre of 200pc proof Lithuanian Lobotomy Water for less than a fiver and while you may be blind by the end of the evening, you certainly won't feel the cold.

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