We don't want him, but he'll come anyway, they always do
No gardai and no crawling, just a taser in case of any antics - let's moderate our welcome for Trump, writes Gene Kerrigan
Okay, we've two months to prepare. We could get all uppity and start protesting against Donald Trump daring to sully our fair land, but I can't see that stopping him. It wouldn't look right, the "most powerful man the world" afraid to come to Ireland because Richard Boyd Barrett might give him a nasty look.
Besides, if he doesn't come, we won't be able to shout at him.
No, he'll come. Remember Ronald Reagan in Galway, determined to appear, despite the protesters? The limo drives past, a window comes down two inches, and we see the tips of some fingers wiggling at us. I love it when they cower.
A major part of any visit by an American president is our establishment bowing and scraping. We did it for Clinton and for Obama, despite them both initiating military aggression. Our academics came together to award Reagan a Doctorate of Laws, even though he funded terrorism and treated both international and domestic law with contempt during his Irangate scandal.
Shouldn't we bow and scrape in like manner for Trump? After all, he's the only one of them that hasn't actually bombed anywhere. Yet.
The main objections to Trump relate to his sexism, his racism and his general lack of human decency. Enough to be going on with, I suppose.
It's traditional on such visits that the gardai are ordered about by US security. Could we not just give the gardai the day off and leave the job to the Americans? It would be less humiliating.
Over these two months we've got to do something about our Mr Varadkar. Remember him in Washington? Oh dear, that was a low point.
He told Trump an embarrassing anecdote about how he pushed officials to bend the planning rules when Trump wanted a wind farm killed off. Simultaneously, to protect himself, Varadkar denied he did what he'd just accused himself of. You wouldn't know what really happened, but the crawling nature of the whole enterprise was all too apparent.
Two months should be enough to get someone to write him a short innocuous speech that curtsies without crawling. And, no jokes, the lad can't do jokes.
Inevitably, some female civil servants will have to engage with Trump at some stage, showing him to a seat or bringing some documents. The man has a history of sexual aggression. Can we equip such women with taser guns, to stun the bugger if he tries any of his groping antics?
And if any of the women should get an urge to zap him, just for the fun of it, I can think of one or two fair-minded judges who'd do their best to find a legal loophole through which to flush the case.